Jessica Ayers

We’ve all heard the phrases, “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” and “All that glitters is not gold”. We’d be kidding ourselves if we all swore by these phrases, right? How many times a day do you find yourself making assumptions and judgments about people you don’t know? More than likely, you come across someone in an unfortunate situation and assume they made poor choices. Someone might seem to have it all and you think, “life’s been royal for them”. These days, with our entire lives shared on sites like Facebook and Twitter, we’ve put up a certain face for the world to see which is hardly authentic!  More often than not, people only share the absolute best of their lives and, only on occasion, the worst. What you don’t see is the everyday ups and downs that is their reality. People put too much stock in social media and it’s proving to be unfulfilling. I recently read an article on nypost.com discussing scientific studies conducted with Facebook users. 

A few of my “best” and “worst” posts from 2014 before I lost Justin.

The article stated:

“In 2013, scientists at two German universities monitored 584 Facebook users and found one out of three would feel worse after checking what their friends were up to – especially if those friends had just posted vacation photos. Overall shared content does not have to be ‘explicitly boastful’ for feelings of envy to emerge. In fact, a lonely user might envy numerous birthday wishes his more sociable peer receives on his Facebook wall. Equally, a friend’s change in the relationship status from ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’ might cause emotional havoc for someone undergoing a breakup”

Based on these statistics, it appears that many of us are living a double life. We live our ‘real’ life along with our ‘online’ life and end up confusing the two. Either way, we should never look at someone’s life and assume we know what they are going through.

Snapping a quick pic with Jax before heading out in Key West to perform.

I’m definitely not claiming to be supreme. I find myself making common snap judgments and natural assumptions about others on a daily basis.  However, when I meet someone new I try my best to listen to the actual person instead of what my eyes encounter. I try to stop myself from thinking negatively or positively based on what I see, and just listen. After I lost Justin I was very angry. I was jealous, bitter, envious, and YES, very judgemental. Because I had gone through such a horrific tragedy, I only saw my misery and nothing else. During this time, Facebook wasn’t very kind to me!  I was breastfeeding Jax all day every day and spent a lot of time in a chair with a baby attached to me. Therefore, I was stuck with nothing to do but pick up my phone and look at social media. Boy, was this a big mistake!! At first, I was amazed that the outside world was existing in such a normal state. How could others possibly care about movies, dates, youtube videos, or even their pets? Justin had died in such a tragic way and everyone else was going on with their lives? I found myself resentful that others weren’t understanding what I was going through. I also observed the joyous occasions people were sharing. Having babies, getting engaged, married, buying houses, new jobs, and celebrating birthdays. I can’t say this wasn’t a punch to the gut. It crushed me to see others celebrating life while I was merely trying to survive. From a different angle, I also saw horrible things and this was equally as hard. Death, illness, suicide,

Posing for a photo with my friend Rachel and her baby. You can see I was pale as a ghost and have a blank stare on my face. One I would have for a while

divorce, and miscarriage were just a few I read about and I could barely stop the tears. I then wondered, “What exactly did I want?” No matter

what I read or saw, it upset me. My mom always knew when I had looked on social media because I would sit with a blank stare while tears were streaming down my face. She’d come to me and say, “Did you go on Facebook again? Stop it!!” I decided to go with the “out of sight, out of mind” approach and delete the app off my phone. I wanted to permanently delete my page, but some said they worried about me when I deactivated it, so this seemed like my best option. Following this, I felt free from the burden of others’ happy existence. Maybe other people were having a good day but I didn’t have to know about it. Which at the time, was exactly what I needed.

My mom sacrificing her 4th of July this year so I could perform with the band in Myrtle Beach. We are a team!!

These days, I can tell when I’m being labeled by people who don’t know me. They see a baby on my hip, no daddy in sight, and my mother in tow. It’s easy to assume she’s divorced, she got knocked up, she’s irresponsible, or perhaps she’s a military wife. What they never think is maybe she’s a widow. This bothers me!  These days I don’t think anyone looks down on mothers in these situations, I sure don’t.  It’s 2015 and we’ve been pretty accepting of most circumstances for a while now. Over 40% of our population are divorced with children and a recent study on nytimes.com stated nearly two-thirds of children in the United States born to mothers under 30 are born out of wedlock (statistics taken from divorcestatistics.org).  But that wasn’t me! I had a husband, I waited ten years to have a baby, I saved up and purchased a house to raise that baby in, and I had a great job that I loved. This was what I wanted people to notice because I was proud of it. I was proud of my choices in life and I wanted to be seen in that  light.

Jax and I at his sprinkling ceremony. My Uncle Greg performed it for us.

About three months had passed since Justin died and I was slowly getting my ducks in a row.  Naturally, a few things had slipped through the cracks. In the midst of this, I was pulled over by a police officer while driving home from a grief counseling session when he pointed out my incorrect driver’s license address. Fast forward to the DMV (once again baby on my hip and mom in tow), the man helping me had to go through the standard questions for issuing a new driver’s license. Each question caused me to feel more panicky than the last. When he got to the final one, “Is Justin still your emergency contact?”, I simply stared at him in confusion and stumbled upon my answer of, “Uh nah nah, no”. I will never forget his expression after hearing my answer. He had a smirk plastered across his face and responded with, “So, I guess you decided to trade in Justin and the house, huh? Ha ha ha”. Need I say more? That seems about as judgemental as one can get. He assumed I was getting divorced, had moved in with my mother, and for some reason thought it was appropriate to laugh at my expense. After reacting with an evil stare, I chose to share my god-awful truth. I only hoped he might learn something from his childish behavior. Needless to say, I left the DMV in tears and was made to feel worse while facing an already tough day.  

But why did I even care? I know what I’ve done with my life and what I’ve accomplished, as do the people who love and care about me. Shouldn’t that be all that really matters? However, I dread having to explain my situation and story to a complete stranger when they ask me questions. I usually try to keep it short and sour, “I’m a widow”. If they have the balls to ask me what happened I sometimes say, “I don’t feel like talking about it” or maybe I share my story. No matter what option I choose, I still feel the impending panic attack and always feel worse after I’ve been asked.  

While performing with the band a few weeks back at a fancy wedding, some of the bridesmaids jumped on stage for a song. We were having so much fun when out of the blue one of them turned to me and said, “I wish I had your life”. With a glazed-over smile, I looked at her in shock. She had committed the cardinal sin of making an assumption about my life. From her perspective, I was living the dream. She saw glitz and

Glammed up and ready to perform at the wedding reception

glamour and assumed my life was always like this. She saw a young bubbly girl singing, dancing, smiling, laughing, and entertaining hundreds of people. However, she had absolutely no clue of my daily obstacles or the darkness inside. Yes, I love what I do! I’m very blessed to have a God-given talent and the opportunity to use that talent. But even my work has difficult times. It can be emotionally and physically draining, demanding, extensive traveling, late hours, and even lonely at times. Even when I had the privilege of doing it alongside Justin, it still had major ups and downs. It almost seems comparable to the other end of the spectrum. People see me with a small child and make a different false assumption. Either way you look at it they are all judgments, and they are all false. You can never accurately pinpoint what the inside contains. Sometimes stereotypes exist for a reason, but why go there? The world is callous and we are all doing our best to make the most out of life. Some circumstances we can control and some we cannot. Assuming you know what others have been through can only result in unrealistic and incorrect conclusions. To truly accept people for who they are and to love one another means putting all judgments to rest. Why not start today!

Performing together

I’ve been to quite a few concerts in my day and they all offered a unique experience. No matter the genre, they have a divine affect on me. Before performing music on a professional level, I was like most concert goers. The lights, crowds, big sound, and famous musicians captivated me. I felt starstruck to see something so incredible take place before my eyes and it was exhilarating.  Now, as a working musician/singer and seasoned performer, I absorb the experience differently. I always attempt to learn something new and take a piece with me. It’s almost like a workshop where I regain that joy and fine tune things for when I perform. Justin and I usually went to most shows together. I’d come away with my own perspective and he with his. We’d share our thoughts and feelings and found that we typically focused on very different things. I habitually noticed the vocals and he the guitar, but we both watched with a similar thought process. Having something you share a mutual love for is a powerful thing and we never took it for granted!

Me and Keely enjoying the show

The first concert I attended in Justin’s absence was an outdoor festival. For PCB folks, it’s become a grand tradition. The top country acts come together every year for the Gulf Coast Jam. Before this year, I’d never attended. I had performed with my band all weekend in Pensacola Beach and returned to an empty house. Jax would be spending the night with his Grammy (Justin’s mom, Vicki) and my folks were out of town. Weighing my options of what to do with my free evening, I got a text from a pal. My girlfriend Keely was in town from Nashville and somehow managed to snag me a ticket. I immediately accepted! Keith Urban was the headliner and if nothing else I could enjoy the eye candy, right? I’ve never been a huge country music fan but can still appreciate the talent and experience. Before heading out to the show Keely turned to me and said, “Is this going to be emotional for you, because you know he’s a shredder?” (Non-guitar nerds, this is a term for an amazing lead guitar player) I thought about it and realized, yeah I’ve been told this before, but for whatever reason it had slipped my mind. My thought process was, “Keith Urban is more of a mellow musician, I won’t feel too overwhelmed witnessing crazy rock star moves or Eddie Van Halen level guitar skills.” I told her I’d be fine but might have a moment or two. Try a hundred moments!!! All I can say is, I’ve never been more wrong about something. This man is a hidden gem in the world of country music. I think he must have taken the wrong bus from Australia because he SCREAMS Rock ‘N’ Roll!!!

Watching an incredible musician like Keith was something I wasn’t quite ready for. I stood in amazement of his talent with my mind constantly on Justin. As I watched him swap his Telecaster for his Paul Reed Smith, for his Gibson Les Paul, Justin was all I could think of. Being married for 10 years to a magnificent guitarist, I had picked up his way of thinking. I was now watching the concert through his eyes, not mine.

With every single detail (even down to what gauge picks he was using) I was now thinking as Justin. Boy, did this hurt!!! It’s hard to understand how someone so incredibly talented could be gone. It wasn’t fair that I was enjoying this experience and not him. It wasn’t fair that Justin

wasn’t the one ripping the guitar for thousands and would never get that opportunity again. His guitar-shredding days were long gone and I was feeling lonely and angry. I wanted so badly to have that connection with him while this was taking place.

Justin and our pal Gary

In that moment in the presence of ten thousand plus people, I felt all alone. Looking around I thought to myself, “The majority of these folks don’t know what kind of guitar he’s playing and I doubt it’s crossed their mind” (other musicians, obsessive fans, and guitar nerds excluded, of course). Before knowing Justin, I would have stood like most others blissfully enjoying the concert as a whole. Now everything is different, he’s changed my way of thinking. Maybe this once again goes back to that guilt I still carry around. I feel a certain level of responsibility to do things for him and think like him.

After the concert ended and the crowd parted ways I felt like I’d climbed my Mount Everest. What an accomplishment for me to make it through the entire concert. Sure I was on the verge of tears throughout, but still I had conquered it. And even though it wasn’t Fleetwood Mac or Aerosmith, it was a start. As I drove myself home I started thinking about my new found thought process. I began to wonder, was this new way of thinking a blessing or a curse? I suspect a curse because I feel the pain associated with the crater-sized hole in my life that was Justin. Being in his mecca is harder than most places. Every guitar “shredder” I witness from here on out will be him and it will always hurt. I can’t genuinely enjoy a sensational guitarist because of the pain it brings. On the other hand, maybe the blessing is I now see certain things in life through a magnifying lens. Instead of only noticing what I usually would, I now think in terms of what Justin would notice. I will wonder what guitar effects he/she is using, or how many times they restrung their guitar that week, or how many strings they broke at the previous show. Maybe it’s subconscious and maybe its default, but it’s now kind of cool!!! I actually get to see life through my eyes, Jax’s, and now Justin’s. What a perspective! And because of that, I feel like I’m living for three.