I once read a quote that said, “Simple Pleasures Are Life’s Treasures”. I realize now more than ever the truth in this statement and that it’s one thing Justin showed me over the years. He always seemed to bask in the pure joy of the small things and it was so refreshing. From the excitement of sleeping in his new bed to his favorite beer being in season, he was someone who walked with an extra skip in his step. Every year towards the end of August, Justin would start scouring the grocery stores for his beloved Octoberfest. 
It was like digging for gold. The look on his face when he finally found that first six pack was priceless. Like a kid in a candy store! He would be so stoked to start drinking his precious beer that by the time October finally rolled around, he was burnt out.
His infectious spirit didn’t stop there. He enjoyed the heck out of his favorite TV shows. Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, and Shameless are just a few that come to mind. He was bound and determined to convince anyone who wasn’t watching a certain show that they needed to right away. It was as if they were missing out in life and this was just the thing to make them complete. He could even coerce someone who’d never seen a Nascar race in their entire life to join him on a trip to Talladega to see one live. By the time they got home, they’d joined his fantasy Nascar league.
Being around Justin was a breath of fresh air and it’s part of the reason he was so well-liked. Every person who came into contact with Justin walked away thinking they had just met the coolest person in existence. I remember overhearing his guitar lessons from time to time. His students ate up every word that came out of his mouth.
A photo of Justin’s lesson room he taught in at A Beat Better Music
I would stand there thinking, “Who cares about the awesome guitar TONE John Mayer has on his album or Lindsey Buckingham’s ability to make ONE guitar sound like three?” But Justin sure did and by the time those students left their guitar lesson, they’d bought into it as well. And by no means did they leave the store empty handed. They would not only purchase a guitar but an amp, pedal, case, strings, and tuner… that Justin suggested of course, while rushing home to practice Fleetwood Mac riffs.
The second Justin was taken from this earth it instantly became a darker place. A place without that gorgeous smile that exudes joy. I now find myself constantly searching for that joy he showed me in life. Now that he is gone, it’s hard for me to enjoy things we did together. I don’t think people fully understand what I mean when I say, “It’s the small things that seem to get to me”. Watching a TV show that I know Justin loved is at times unbearable. For two months after he passed away, I’m pretty sure our TV was never switched on (by my parents or myself). Even months later (TV finally turned on) it stayed on HGTV. That stupid home design channel was the only thing I could stomach and it resulted in my parents remodeling their entire home….OOPS sorry mom and dad. Our first, and only night home after Jax was born, Justin decided we absolutely had to watch the Game Of Thrones season 4 finale. I remember being half asleep, having just birthed a baby. But Justin, bless his sweet heart wanted to watch it so bad and I couldn’t say no. Now, as stupid as it may seem, I am forever grateful that we finished that season together. Had we decided to go to bed, I would always have that final episode haunting me and wouldn’t be able to watch the show again. I thought at some point I would completely stop watching it altogether. But, I decided I had already lost so much, I couldn’t let this be another thing that held me captive. Even now, one of my best friends (Pepin) still comes over once a week to watch a few shows I used to watch with Justin. We make a big deal out of it every week and no one
Justin and I at Walker Stalker Con with Breaking bad star Giancarlo Esposito(aka Gus Fring)
dare watch Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead without one another. This seems to make the process a little less painful. Justin and I never had much lazy time to just chill, so in our down time we loved to cuddle up and watch a great show. It was something we would plan months in advance. We’d look on the calendar to see when we had a weekend off from performing and decide what new TV show to binge on. When that weekend arrived we would spend the entire weekend snuggled on the sofa drinking beer and chowing down on chinese food. It was such a happy place for us both, just being close and enjoying something away from the rest of the world.
The shows that seem to bother me most now are the ones I only watched with him. I’ve slowly started to watch a few TV shows at night by myself. When something BIG happens on the show I instinctively turn to my left for his reaction. The tears start to fill my eyes as I yearn for that connection that is forever gone. I can’t seem to bear the sound of a Nascar race on TV or the radio. I doubt I will ever watch Nascar, but I hope I can bring myself to take Jax to a race one day. It was something Justin talked about all the time. When we discussed our family together it always came up, “When can we take him to a Nascar race? When he’s two? Three? Oh come on, four?” It was something he shared with his father and couldn’t wait to share with Jax. Everytime I pass the Octoberfest in the grocery aisle I think of him and die just a little on the inside. Seriously doubt I’ll ever drink them again.
I’ve yet to listen to any music we both shared a common love for. Fleetwood Mac, Aerosmith, and Guns N Roses were three of our top picks. We had the incredible opportunity to see Aerosmith a massive six times together, enjoying each one more then the last. We had tickets to see Fleetwood Mac’s reunion tour last year. When the time came for me to go to the concert without him, I couldn’t do it. I ended up giving the tickets to his father.
Something we both dreamed of happening one day was a GNR reunion. We said we’d take our entire life savings and follow the band all over the country (this was mostly a joke). It was something we both wished for but knew would probably never happen. Now I find myself feeling the opposite. I dread the day a news article surfaces that the band has reunited. It would cause me to feel like once again I’ve lost something I should have been sharing with him. Everyday I try and nip away at another thing I have shunned in my life since losing Justin. Some have proven to be more difficult than others, but each thing opens the wound in my heart leaving another scar. All I can do is think of his smile and try my hardest to regain the joy I once had. There are so many tiny pleasures in life surrounding us daily. For you it might be your favorite college football game, or taking your family to the beach, or taking your daughter to see her first ballet because you loved it as a child. It’s all the simple pleasures and we must try our best to take Justin’s perspective on life. Sit back and enjoy them because you never know when you might have watched your last and final episode of your Game of Thrones.
Special shout out to Justin Pepin for coming up with the post title for this blog entry.
I would be facing my “first SECOND” a day I had agonized over all year long, our wedding anniversary. Last year, Justin passed away five weeks prior to our 11th anniversary. I was in such a tremendous fog that I could barely process it. At the time, my mom suggested that having Justin and I’s closest friends and family surrounding me would be best. I was in no state to consider other options or care for that matter. I used people, food, and alcohol as a distraction to get me through the day, which at that time I thought was best. Thinking back, I am amazed I didn’t completely fall apart. This year would be a horse of a different color. I was off my Lexapro and my drinking had been back to social levels for a while now. Along with this, my emotions and feelings were raw and I was dreading it! I had cried so much leading up to it that I wondered how I would handle the actual day. Sometimes I find myself anticipating a holiday or anniversary so much that I tend to get a lot of depression out prior to the actual day. Not only do I mourn Justin, but I mourn our life we had together and our life we should have had. 
Fathers Day 2015 wasn’t the happiest occasion for the Ayers household. Not only would it be Jax’s first Fathers Day without a father, but, this year it happened to land on the one-year anniversary of Justin’s funeral. A double whammy to say the least. We had just celebrated Jax’s first birthday a week prior and only three days after that faced the one-year anniversary of Justin’s death. I’m sure it all sounds very confusing! I mean how often do people have to face four major events (happy and sad) all within a weeks time? But, that has been right on point with our life this past year. It seems to be one thing after another and never-ending. I had been dreading Fathers Day as much as other major holidays (if not more). The major difference in Fathers Day and others was not only the obvious but, the significance of how special it was only a year ago. Fathers Day always falls on the third Sunday in June. In 2014, June 1st was on a Sunday which made it fall on the 15th. Jax was born on June 14th so Justin became a father one day before Fathers Day last year. We were able to celebrate his first official Fathers Day in the hospital and, with Jax officially ours, it was pure bliss! See, when you finally decide to have a baby you step into a different world. All of the sudden, you find yourself not caring about the following: sleep, eating, sleep, your looks, sleep, personal interests, sleep, favorite TV shows, sleep and did I mention SLEEP? That’s right, the things you’ve always loved are now things of the past and YOU COULD GIVE A RIP! You instantly find yourself at the mercy of this 8lb pooping, peeing, eating, sleeping, and crying pile of warm snugly cuteness
