Motherhood

Holidaze

As seasons change, I find myself fighting to walk uphill instead of sliding down. From the sun setting so early, to Christmas music playing in department stores, the holidays are here and I’m faced with many emotional challenges. Last year, I was up against Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all less than seven months after losing Justin. Distraction was my best friend and I welcomed it with open arms. Traveling, shopping, making calendars of Jax, and helping my folks remodel their home were among the top choices. Basically, it didn’t really matter where I was going or what I was doing, as long as I wasn’t sitting still. Constant travel and a busy schedule were the only way I saw myself getting through the dreadful holiday season. Not only was I facing all three holidays for the first time without Justin, I was also a new mom.

 

Flashback to 2013 when we were expecting little Jax. We discovered the exciting news one week prior to Halloween. The news of Jax was kept under wraps (other than close friends and family) due to the risk you face in your first trimester. I wanted to keep our little bundle of joy a private and personal matter as long as possible. It’s the holiday season and you just discovered that a year from now, you will be parents for the first time.

One of Justin's epic costumes

One of Justin’s epic costumes

The anticipation and excitement begin immediately and you start saying things like, “Next Halloween, we will have a four-month-old to dress up”, “What should we dress him/her as?”. At this point the gender couldn’t be determined, so we started thinking of both costume options. Justin’s adoration for Halloween and the horror movie genre was quite intense. Every year in October, he would set the DVR to record scary movies on TV and we’d watch one or two every few nights. It was by far his favorite time of year (remember the Oktoberfest). He found himself over the moon anticipating the memories we would create with Jax. I’d never seen him so happy.

 

In 2014, I faced the first of many Halloweens as a widow and mother. After much debating on how to avoid the holiday, I decided “The heck with it”, and put Jax into a Kermit The Frog costume.

My little Kermit The Frog

My little Kermit The Frog

My parents, brother, mother-in-law, my friend Summer and her family all went trick-or-treating with us. I walked around all night watching families enjoy the holiday with one another. At the time, I remember thinking to myself, “This is not fair”, and I was envious. Envious of the joy I was missing. The joy I had looked so forward to only one year ago. The evening had ups and downs along with plenty of tears, but we banded together and made it through in the best way we knew how.

 

It’s always been a tradition for my family to take a moment at the Thanksgiving table and share what we are thankful for. In 2013, I, of course, said, “The little addition we will have at the table next year”.Justin turned to me and said, “I’m most thankful for my beautiful wife and all the wonderful years we’ve shared just us two”. Tears streamed down my face as I smiled at him and knew he meant every word. We all had a moment and talked about how excited we were for the years to follow. We sat around all night recording a Christmas favorite, “Silver Bells”, in four-part harmony while Justin plucked away at the guitar (dad was the cameraman of course, ha ha).

 

Celebrating Christmas Eve in 2013 at our house

Celebrating Christmas Eve in 2013 at our house

 

When December 2013 rolled around I was 15 weeks along. Since we’d made it through the first trimester with no issues, our baby excitement had grown exponentially. We browsed in stores eyeballing ‘Baby’s First Christmas’ ornaments with much anticipation, and talked about the additional stocking we’d put on the wall (our dog Axl already had one). When Christmas finally arrived, Justin and I decided to have a special Christmas Eve brunch with my family at our very first home. Since little Jax was constantly on our minds, we enjoyed a wonderful Christmas together and made sure to soak up every moment, knowing it would be our last year, just us two.  We had spent 16 wonderful Christmas’ together as a couple and would now spend the rest of our lives together as a family.  

 

Last year, after losing Justin, I decided to uproot everyone in my immediate family and hit the road for the holidays. For Thanksgiving, we flew to Newport Beach, CA for a visit with one of my best friends, Kimmy, and for Christmas,  we drove to Atlanta for a change of scenery. Looking back, I now realize I was running away from reality. I knew that this might be the only acceptable year for me to completely ditch the holidays.

Christmas 2014

Christmas 2014 in Atlanta

At this point, Jax was so young that he wouldn’t know a candy cane from a candy corn. Being able to run away from Jolly Ole Saint Nick took the edge off and I was able to hold it together for a few days, which still felt like an eternity.

 

As long as I can remember, I’ve been one of those obnoxious Christmas-obsessed people who go “balls to the wall”. I couldn’t put up enough lights, buy enough presents, or bake enough sweets. I basically added an automatic 8 lbs to my waistline, maxed out my credit card and ran a power bill well into the thousands (maybe a little over-exaggeration on all three). So how disappointing is it that now I hate Christmas!!

We had a great since of humor

We had a great since of humor

Hate is a little strong, but I can say I find myself looking forward to the day after Christmas instead of the day before like I used to.

My excitement for holidays and special occasions tends to peak about a day before they actually happen. I’ve found that the anticipation is almost better than the actual day. This tends to make the day after somewhat of a bummer.  But now I experience the opposite effect. Days that I dread kick me the hardest the day before and bring me relief the day after.

 

This year I have decided I have to quit running away. Sure, I could probably get away with it for at least another year but then I would be in the same place I am now. I’m not proud to say that I have dreaded Christmas 2015 since the day after Christmas 2014. Because I avoided it all together last year, this year I find myself feeling just as heartbroken.

 

I recently went with my mom, Aunt Jo Beth, and Jax to find a Christmas tree for my parents home. Pulling into the Home Depot parking lot, I got sick to my stomach. “Of course”, I thought, “This is the place we always bought our Christmas trees, what was I thinking?”. Mom had asked me a good place to go look and I instinctively said Home Depot or Lowes. Instead of seeing Christmas trees and smiling like I used to, I now roll my eyes. Statistics show suicide rates tend to skyrocket around the holidays and I never understood it until now. Of course, I have no plans to partake in this completely selfish act. But, I now understand the emptiness the holidays can bring when you are missing someone, feeling lonely, and broken.

 

Jax in 2014

Even though the emptiness feels constant, I have let some of the fullness and joys in as well. Jax is old enough to appreciate the exciting new things around him. Christmas trees, lights, reindeer, Santa, and Frosty all bring a huge smile to his face and I’m quickly reminded of all the reasons I once loved Christmas. Seeing a smile on Jax’s face is priceless and if showing him an obese man dressed in red and white does the trick, I’m gonna have to jump on board. Heck, I might even smile and enjoy it myself.  We will be taking Jax to see Mickey for Disney’s special Christmas celebration this year and I couldn’t be more excited to see my little boy having the time of his life.

Meeting Minnie Mouse

Meeting Minnie Mouse

The innocence a child brings into our lives should always be cherished. It is a beautiful thing above all else. I see the light in Jax’s eyes and it helps bring some light back into mine. To say I will never experience Christmas like I once did is true, but I will find a new love/hate relationship with the holiday and make sure my son knows just how magical it can be.the singing widow blog logo

My Guilt Divided

My brother Josh, Jax, Me, and MomI can remember the exact moment I first smiled again after Justin died. It occurred while I was looking at Jax a few days after losing Justin. I’m sure it was the shallowest smile ever. When I say shallow, I don’t mean fake. The smile was genuine but completely overshadowed by sadness and guilt. To others, I’m sure it even resembled a frown. In Jax and I after his first baththe moment, I was like any new mother gazing into Jax’s alluring eyes. Without hesitation, a smile appeared on my face. I had done so much crying leading up to this moment when it actually happened I was caught off guard. My friend, Emily, was next to me. She turned and said, “Honey, it’s okay to smile at your baby”. I protested, “How can I smile when Justin is dead? How can I ever smile again?” Here I was a new mom and instead of celebrating a life I was mourning one. I started to feel guilty that I was the one with Jax and not Justin. I thought about him only having me to rock him to sleep, see his first steps, and hear his first words. Justin would miss it all and it was unfair. Many people say to me, “I hope Jax helps ease some of your suffering“. While that is true, he also adds another layer of pain. I get to see all the amazing things Jax does and learns every day, and it destroys me that Justin isn’t part of it.

Once I came out of the shock stage of grief, I awoke to my feelings. The guilt of how much Justin was missing weighed so heavy. I felt like I should be spending every moment crying and thinking of nothing other than what had happened. I kept saying to everyone, “It’s just not right. I shouldn’t be able to enjoy anything at all.” I finally realized I had taken on the responsibility of Justin’s feelings.

Family portrait pre Jax

Justin, Axl and I pre Jax

If he’d known this was in his future (or lack thereof), he would have been insanely miserable knowing he would miss Jax’s entire life. The pain I felt for Justin was so intense that I hadn’t yet begun to process MY pain. I was too concerned with carrying Justin’s. After talking with my family and friends (numerous times) about how I was feeling, they tried to help me see a different angle. They pointed out that this is not what Justin would have wanted for me, or for Jax. He’d want us to be happy, even in his absence.

 

Once I decided to listen, I quickly became aware of something new. “OH MY GOD, I’M MISSING OUT ON MY BABY!” Yes, I was nursing him when he was hungry, changing his diaper when wet or soiled, and snuggling him when he wanted to be close. But I wasn’t enjoying him. The day we drove home from the hospital I had the most incredible feeling in my stomach. It was like this bright light shone through me and directly onto Jax. Before having a child of your own, other parents will try to describe this feeling. You just don’t understand it until it’s you. I was able to enjoy this feeling for not even four days before it all turned to horror and emptiness. Once I realized I was missing out on the pure joy new parents have, my guilt, once again, started to weigh on me. This time, it was a guilty feeling for Jax. I felt like the worst mother on earth that I couldn’t feel joy for my baby. Why would God do this to me? Why would he give me such a blessing and then take one away? Yes, I loved Jax with all of my heart and had I not had him during this time, I would be in a much darker place. At least I had this piece of Justin with me forever and I should be grateful for that, right? However, when you are mourning your husband of 10 years, you don’t think logically and it’s hard to get past the intense pain and nausea you feel in your gut.  

 

Over the next few months my guilt went back and forth between Jax and Justin. If I cried for Justin one day, then I spent the next day crying over not enjoying Jax. If I spent one day blocking out the tragedy and focusing on Jax, I spent the next day feeling guilty over not mourning Justin enough. I was in a vicious cycle and not a healthy one. I had been seeing a grief counselor for about a month when we started to work on my daily guilt. He told me I needed to allow myself ample time to cry every day and equal time to smile. Both were okay and both equally important. I started the very next day. I gave myself the mornings to feel joy and evenings to feel pain. For some reason, when I saw the sun come up it gave me hope that I could make it through another day. Quite the opposite occurred when the sun went down. I’d find myself feeling depressed that another day had passed without Justin.

 

Now that almost 15 months have passed, I’d like to say I don’t have any lingering guilt. But I’d be telling a lie. Sometimes the guilt finds me during the most unusual situations. It’s like driving on the interstate and being side-swiped by a semi.  You are having an okay day until it blindsides you.  The other day I was in a clothing store looking at dresses (any gal loves to shop) when I suddenly became overwhelmed. A thought popped into my head, “Why the hell do I care about wearing a pretty dress? Justin is dead and I’m concerned with finding a dress to wear? One he’ll never see me in, nonetheless?” I immediately had to leave. My mom was waiting outside with Jax. When I rushed out she asked what was wrong. I simply said,“What do you mean what’s wrong? Justin is dead, everything is wrong”. She then looked at me and said, “I know sweetheart and I’m so sorry”. What else could she say? She only has to say this to me about a hundred times a day. Later I spoke to my best friend (Kimmy) on the phone. I was going on and on about how awful of a person I was for caring about stupid things like shopping.

Jax and I on The Fourth Of July this year

Jax and I on The Fourth Of July this year

She then told me, “It’s okay to want normal things. Just because you care about superficial things again, doesn’t mean you don’t love and miss Justin every second”. I thought long and hard about what she said and decided to take it to heart. Nothing I ever do will feel like it’s quite enough for Justin. He’s not here anymore, and because of that I feel the responsibility to live life for both of us and be not only Jax’s mother but also his father.

After realizing this, I am proud to say today that I have no continued guilt for smiling at my son. An innocent child like Jax is such a beautiful gift from God.  I’ve now allowed myself to feel every emotion that a mother should and can feel in every stage of his life. My guilt in other aspects of life has gotten less and less but continues to linger. I’m not sure if it will ever go away and I can accept that. Some of us have battles in life we must face on a daily basis. If the guilt I feel for smiling, laughing, shopping, and singing is one of mine, then I will face it head on. Every day I will continue to fight for that guiltless smile I once had, and one day I know I will beat it. Justin Ayers would want nothing less!!

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