My life has changed so dramatically since you passed, and every day I think about how
different it would be with you. I usually push away these thoughts; realizing the pain they will bring.
Instead, I try and shift my focus to my current life and new reality. I now view my “alternate life” as a fantasy per se. This fantasy is that you and I are our raising our son as a family in some alternate universe.
In honor of what should have been your 36th birthday, I’ve decided to go all in and imagine where we would be if you were still alive today.
Would we still be living in the house on Michigan Court?
The house that I will always regret buying was sold to a family a few months after you died. I drove by it the other day out of curiosity. They’ve changed a few things, but it looks cozy.
While sitting in my car that day, Jax innocently peered out the window, and hollered “Dog!” It was heartbreaking to see his sweet face smile at a home where so much horror took place.
I pictured you mowing the lawn wearing that black sleeveless KISS t-shirt with your hair pulled back into a ponytail. Your ensemble was always completed with a red bandanna and aviator sunglasses.
I realized this was a home we’d only planned on having a couple of years because we would need more room. It only had two bedrooms, and we wanted to have a second child less than two years after our first.
Would it be a boy or a girl?
Would Jax have a sibling by now and what would the gender be? We wanted a boy first, and then a girl. Everybody wants both right?
Aunt Lynn and uncle Tommy
We even had her name picked out – Sadie Lynn Ayers (to honor my aunt Lynn who was taken by cancer).
I wonder if she’d have your red hair? That would sure make your grandma Ruby Nell happy, whom you inherited your red hair from.
I wonder if Jax would be jealous of his baby sister or maybe the opposite? He lights up like a Christmas tree when he sees a baby, and always says, “Hey baby!” It’s adorable.
Would a Beat Better Music still be around?
Tim, Me, Jax, and Tony (in order from the left)
The day Tony informed me they had a new guitar teacher at the store, it shattered the remaining pieces of my already broken heart. My mom and dad had to bring me a bag to breathe into because I was hyperventilating from this awful news.
I can remember my dad trying to console me. In a fit of rage I yelled, “I keep losing the few pieces of Justin I have left, eventually I’ll have nothing.”
After some therapy and some healing I was able to visit the store again. I looked forward to future visits and Jax being able to see the place you dedicated your heart to. It was also the place I could sense your presence the most.
I thought I had plenty of time and never imagined it would close. Now, it’s all gone, and my heart has been broken once again. I think you were the heart of that store, and the second you took your last breath, so did it.
Would we all still be there today? Me, You, Tony, Larry, and Tim? We were a family, and I can picture us all crowded around Jax while you desperately try to turn him into the next Kenny Wayne Shepherd .
Tony would throw up his hands and snicker, “Ssssssss he’s already better than you Justin.” Oh what fun we’d still be having, making new memories and savoring the old.
Would we still have our band The Ayers?
Garrett, Chase, Heath, Justin, and Jess (in order from the left)
For the ten plus years we were married, live shows were our life. We lived and breathed music, but we both knew things would have to change after Jax was born.
The plan was for my mom to become our travel nanny. I was clueless to the level of commitment a baby actually took, and now I wonder if we’d been able to pull it off. I do perform every weekend now, but I don’t think we both could do it.
Music was your life, and I knew you’d never give it up. I on the other hand, could (and would) have been content supporting your music career. Maybe we’d play the occasional acoustic show together, but I seriously doubt we’d still have our own band.
Every time someone gives me a compliment, I think of you. I think of what a tragedy it is that they are missing out on the incredible talent that was Justin Ayers.
Before I lost you, my greatest fear was losing you. I thought the world would stop turning or time would stand still.
But the harsh reality is time marches on, and it will continue to do so. I will attend more funerals, and welcome new babies.
The second you left this earth will forever be frozen in time. Every new endeavor will ultimately bring me back to that moment in time, and I will once again wonder, “Where would we be?”
I went for a run the other day and started making a mental list of all the things I wish I could tell you. It’s been two years since I lost you, and at times I still feel stuck in between worlds. The world I shared with you was very different than the world I now share with Jax. He’s starting to really blossom and I constantly wonder what life COULD have been like. 
One of your lifelong dreams has come to pass and YOU didn’t live to see it. Something we constantly wished for, prayed for, hoped for, but NEVER thought would happen has happened. In fact, if I told you I had tickets to see Guns N Roses in concert, you would probably faint. That’s right, they are back together. And even though it’s minus Izzy and Steven, it’s close enough. Can you believe it?
Your son is completely obsessed with pigs. Don’t ask me why or where it came from but he loves pink pigs. He got to pet one at his birthday party because we had a petting zoo. He walked around patting all the animals on the butt and then pulled a feather out of a duck. I’m pretty sure he gets this behavior from you, not me! LOL! Can you believe it?
that same place I was looking into booking us four years ago. You would love it there! Previous bands who performed at Koots put their stickers all over the stage area and two seconds before I started singing my first song I looked up and saw a Radio Daze sticker, front and center. How odd is it that! They were the first professional band you ever played with and their sticker was in eye’s view the entire time. I stared at it every night by the way. It made me feel like you were with me in some odd way. Can you believe it?
Your son looks like both of us. He has beautiful long locks that I’ve only cut twice and he does get called a girl all the time(That ALWAYS pissed you off). I put it in a man-bun a lot to keep the hair out of his eyes. I always loved it when you’d wear your hair in a bun. Remember when I had to help you straighten your hair and you’d fuss when I’d accidentally pull it? Well Jax fusses everytime I mess with his. Hmmmm, sound familiar?
Your amazing cousin Shelby and awesome aunt Lori are two of my “special people”. We kept in touch and stayed connected after that horrible day and they both came to Key West to watch me sing. Can you believe it?
Jax is so in love with your mother, I know how happy that would make you. She goes by Grammy and he lights up like a Christmas tree when she’s around. But THAT wouldn’t surprise you!!!
My brother got married to Becca!!!! He seems so happy and they live in Tampa. Can you believe it?
I wasn’t wearing anything but a bathing suit bottom so I ran out toppless, realized it, then grabbed my skirt and threw on a shirt as I chased him down the aisle. I’m sure someone had to get it on camera somewhere. So, there might be a video of me on Youtube chasing Jax half naked as he runs away barefooted in Target holding a stuffed pig. Can you believe it?
I now have a new perspective on life, and it includes loving my wrinkles. Okay, maybe not all of them, but at least the idea of what they represent. You always worried about your hair falling out. I can remember you making me examine the back of your head with a flashlight. “WHAT, it’s thin? Stop lying to me, this isn’t cool.” You couldn’t stand the thought of going bald. Your hair was part of your identity and I guess I somewhat enjoyed seeing you squirm, though it looked perfectly normal and very thick.
Doing things for the greater good because you knew it made a difference is the reason so many people still idolize you today. They will always remember you taking an extra ten minutes during their lesson and NEVER charging. Not complaining for them being two months behind on their lesson fees, when you had bills to pay yourself. Not only restringing their guitar, but cleaning it, tuning it, setting it up, even breaking it in for them when they only paid you for a simple restring. You were without a doubt the greatest man I knew. With today being your 35th BIRTHDAY, I honor that. I’m not going to say Happy Birthday because I don’t feel like celebrating, but I am going to say Thank You. For being a man that treated me like a goddess, treated strangers like a friend, and friends like family. 
I love you babe
I would be facing my “first SECOND” a day I had agonized over all year long, our wedding anniversary. Last year, Justin passed away five weeks prior to our 11th anniversary. I was in such a tremendous fog that I could barely process it. At the time, my mom suggested that having Justin and I’s closest friends and family surrounding me would be best. I was in no state to consider other options or care for that matter. I used people, food, and alcohol as a distraction to get me through the day, which at that time I thought was best. Thinking back, I am amazed I didn’t completely fall apart. This year would be a horse of a different color. I was off my Lexapro and my drinking had been back to social levels for a while now. Along with this, my emotions and feelings were raw and I was dreading it! I had cried so much leading up to it that I wondered how I would handle the actual day. Sometimes I find myself anticipating a holiday or anniversary so much that I tend to get a lot of depression out prior to the actual day. Not only do I mourn Justin, but I mourn our life we had together and our life we should have had. 
