Fathers Day 2015 wasn’t the happiest occasion for the Ayers household. Not only would it be Jax’s first Fathers Day without a father, but, this year it happened to land on the one-year anniversary of Justin’s funeral. A double whammy to say the least. We had just celebrated Jax’s first birthday a week prior and only three days after that faced the one-year anniversary of Justin’s death. I’m sure it all sounds very confusing! I mean how often do people have to face four major events (happy and sad) all within a weeks time? But, that has been right on point with our life this past year. It seems to be one thing after another and never-ending. I had been dreading Fathers Day as much as other major holidays (if not more). The major difference in Fathers Day and others was not only the obvious but, the significance of how special it was only a year ago. Fathers Day always falls on the third Sunday in June. In 2014, June 1st was on a Sunday which made it fall on the 15th. Jax was born on June 14th so Justin became a father one day before Fathers Day last year. We were able to celebrate his first official Fathers Day in the hospital and, with Jax officially ours, it was pure bliss! See, when you finally decide to have a baby you step into a different world. All of the sudden, you find yourself not caring about the following: sleep, eating, sleep, your looks, sleep, personal interests, sleep, favorite TV shows, sleep and did I mention SLEEP? That’s right, the things you’ve always loved are now things of the past and YOU COULD GIVE A RIP! You instantly find yourself at the mercy of this 8lb pooping, peeing, eating, sleeping, and crying pile of warm snugly cuteness and you’d have it no other way. With all that being said, Justin and I were like all new parents and we couldn’t wait to start our new life with our precious baby boy.
So getting back to Fathers Day 2015, Justin has officially been dead for exactly a year and three days. And what is a girl to do with this day looming over her head. In one hand, I’m so utterly grateful for my own father. He has without a doubt been the glue that helped hold me and Jax together this past year. He’s seen it all, from the first time I laughed at a joke, to me hysterically crying over a song that came on the radio. He has been a rock! He’s taken to Jax like a second father and sure has loved him like one. He’s given up his MANY sports programs to watch chick flicks with me and mom. He took off work to drive all over the country with us because I couldn’t stand to sit in a house all year long and stare at the walls. He remodeled his house so Jax and I could have a comfortable place to live AND he let me pick out the flooring. Last and most importantly, he has loved me and Jax unconditionally and that will forever be in my heart. I have a much closer relationship with my old man than most girls my age and I am very grateful for it, even though it came at a hefty price. So I do my best to show my own daddy how much I love and appreciate him even though I will never feel like anything will be quite enough.
Justin with his father Steve and Jax on Fathers Day 2014
My heart was also very heavy this day for Justin’s dad Steve. Since having a child of my own, I can’t possibly imagine the loss of one. I can’t help but see the intense pain and anger in Steve’s eyes every time I look into them. It’s almost like he wears blinders each day just to make it through. However, the blinders had to come off on this particular day, it’s just unavoidable! I sent encouraging, yet truthful, words to him even though nothing seemed to be right. “I know you are hurting, and it’s okay, we all are”. He seemed touched by them and I hoped to help ease some of the pain by him knowing just how much his son loved him. Because he did!!! Justin thought his daddy hung the moon and no one could or ever would tell him any different.
As for me on Fathers Day, I was all over the place. Between the two fathers still here on this earth and the one who is not, I tried my best to get through the day and keep my head up. Music has always been my savior and this day would be no different. I had to work??? Yep, that’s what a big girl does. She gets her ass outta bed, loads her mom and 12-month-old in the car, drives 3 hours to a band gig AND rocks the house. And it was a packed house at that!!! It was full of families celebrating this joyous calendar day and having a wonderful time. Did I mention my son was on cloud nine? There is nothing Jax loves more (besides nursing lol) than watching mommy perform. He is without a doubt his father’s son and like a moth to a flame he is drawn to music. My mind, of course, was somewhere else. As I sang about Redneck Women, Shakin’ It Off, and of course Jax’s fave Bringin Booty Back (Meghan Trainor, if you will) my thoughts were constantly on Justin. Wishing he was next to me ripping the guitar for his baby to enjoy, or rocking him to sleep, or feeding him a Cheerio, or just gazing into his mysterious eyes and enjoying every second of it. Justin will NEVER be forgotten and will always be celebrated. Jax will grow up not only knowing what an amazing man his father was but will damn well know how much his daddy loved him. He will know he did get to celebrate Fathers Day with his daddy and it was without a doubt his father’s finest day on this earth.
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