Holidaze

As seasons change, I find myself fighting to walk uphill instead of sliding down. From the sun setting so early, to Christmas music playing in department stores, the holidays are here and I’m faced with many emotional challenges. Last year, I was up against Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all less than seven months after losing Justin. Distraction was my best friend and I welcomed it with open arms. Traveling, shopping, making calendars of Jax, and helping my folks remodel their home were among the top choices. Basically, it didn’t really matter where I was going or what I was doing, as long as I wasn’t sitting still. Constant travel and a busy schedule were the only way I saw myself getting through the dreadful holiday season. Not only was I facing all three holidays for the first time without Justin, I was also a new mom.

 

Flashback to 2013 when we were expecting little Jax. We discovered the exciting news one week prior to Halloween. The news of Jax was kept under wraps (other than close friends and family) due to the risk you face in your first trimester. I wanted to keep our little bundle of joy a private and personal matter as long as possible. It’s the holiday season and you just discovered that a year from now, you will be parents for the first time.

The anticipation and excitement begin immediately and you start saying things like, “Next Halloween, we will have a four-month-old to dress up”, “What should we dress him/her as?”. At this point the gender couldn’t be determined, so we started thinking of both costume options. Justin’s adoration for Halloween and the horror movie genre was quite intense. Every year in October, he would set the DVR to record scary movies on TV and we’d watch one or two every few nights. It was by far his favorite time of year (remember the Oktoberfest). He found himself over the moon anticipating the memories we would create with Jax. I’d never seen him so happy.

 

In 2014, I faced the first of many Halloweens as a widow and mother. After much debating on how to avoid the holiday, I decided “The heck with it”, and put Jax into a Kermit The Frog costume.

My parents, brother, mother-in-law, my friend Summer and her family all went trick-or-treating with us. I walked around all night watching families enjoy the holiday with one another. At the time, I remember thinking to myself, “This is not fair”, and I was envious. Envious of the joy I was missing. The joy I had looked so forward to only one year ago. The evening had ups and downs along with plenty of tears, but we banded together and made it through in the best way we knew how.

 

It’s always been a tradition for my family to take a moment at the Thanksgiving table and share what we are thankful for. In 2013, I, of course, said, “The little addition we will have at the table next year”.Justin turned to me and said, “I’m most thankful for my beautiful wife and all the wonderful years we’ve shared just us two”. Tears streamed down my face as I smiled at him and knew he meant every word. We all had a moment and talked about how excited we were for the years to follow. We sat around all night recording a Christmas favorite, “Silver Bells”, in four-part harmony while Justin plucked away at the guitar (dad was the cameraman of course, ha ha).

 

 

When December 2013 rolled around I was 15 weeks along. Since we’d made it through the first trimester with no issues, our baby excitement had grown exponentially. We browsed in stores eyeballing ‘Baby’s First Christmas’ ornaments with much anticipation, and talked about the additional stocking we’d put on the wall (our dog Axl already had one). When Christmas finally arrived, Justin and I decided to have a special Christmas Eve brunch with my family at our very first home. Since little Jax was constantly on our minds, we enjoyed a wonderful Christmas together and made sure to soak up every moment, knowing it would be our last year, just us two.  We had spent 16 wonderful Christmas’ together as a couple and would now spend the rest of our lives together as a family.  

 

Last year, after losing Justin, I decided to uproot everyone in my immediate family and hit the road for the holidays. For Thanksgiving, we flew to Newport Beach, CA for a visit with one of my best friends, Kimmy, and for Christmas,  we drove to Atlanta for a change of scenery. Looking back, I now realize I was running away from reality. I knew that this might be the only acceptable year for me to completely ditch the holidays.

At this point, Jax was so young that he wouldn’t know a candy cane from a candy corn. Being able to run away from Jolly Ole Saint Nick took the edge off and I was able to hold it together for a few days, which still felt like an eternity.

 

As long as I can remember, I’ve been one of those obnoxious Christmas-obsessed people who go “balls to the wall”. I couldn’t put up enough lights, buy enough presents, or bake enough sweets. I basically added an automatic 8 lbs to my waistline, maxed out my credit card and ran a power bill well into the thousands (maybe a little over-exaggeration on all three). So how disappointing is it that now I hate Christmas!!

Hate is a little strong, but I can say I find myself looking forward to the day after Christmas instead of the day before like I used to.

My excitement for holidays and special occasions tends to peak about a day before they actually happen. I’ve found that the anticipation is almost better than the actual day. This tends to make the day after somewhat of a bummer.  But now I experience the opposite effect. Days that I dread kick me the hardest the day before and bring me relief the day after.

 

This year I have decided I have to quit running away. Sure, I could probably get away with it for at least another year but then I would be in the same place I am now. I’m not proud to say that I have dreaded Christmas 2015 since the day after Christmas 2014. Because I avoided it all together last year, this year I find myself feeling just as heartbroken.

 

I recently went with my mom, Aunt Jo Beth, and Jax to find a Christmas tree for my parents home. Pulling into the Home Depot parking lot, I got sick to my stomach. “Of course”, I thought, “This is the place we always bought our Christmas trees, what was I thinking?”. Mom had asked me a good place to go look and I instinctively said Home Depot or Lowes. Instead of seeing Christmas trees and smiling like I used to, I now roll my eyes. Statistics show suicide rates tend to skyrocket around the holidays and I never understood it until now. Of course, I have no plans to partake in this completely selfish act. But, I now understand the emptiness the holidays can bring when you are missing someone, feeling lonely, and broken.

 

Even though the emptiness feels constant, I have let some of the fullness and joys in as well. Jax is old enough to appreciate the exciting new things around him. Christmas trees, lights, reindeer, Santa, and Frosty all bring a huge smile to his face and I’m quickly reminded of all the reasons I once loved Christmas. Seeing a smile on Jax’s face is priceless and if showing him an obese man dressed in red and white does the trick, I’m gonna have to jump on board. Heck, I might even smile and enjoy it myself.  We will be taking Jax to see Mickey for Disney’s special Christmas celebration this year and I couldn’t be more excited to see my little boy having the time of his life.

The innocence a child brings into our lives should always be cherished. It is a beautiful thing above all else. I see the light in Jax’s eyes and it helps bring some light back into mine. To say I will never experience Christmas like I once did is true, but I will find a new love/hate relationship with the holiday and make sure my son knows just how magical it can be.