My Guilt Divided

I can remember the exact moment I first smiled again after Justin died. It occurred while I was looking at Jax a few days after losing Justin. I’m sure it was the shallowest smile ever. When I say shallow, I don’t mean fake. The smile was genuine but completely overshadowed by sadness and guilt. To others, I’m sure it even resembled a frown. In the moment, I was like any new mother gazing into Jax’s alluring eyes. Without hesitation, a smile appeared on my face. I had done so much crying leading up to this moment when it actually happened I was caught off guard. My friend, Emily, was next to me. She turned and said, “Honey, it’s okay to smile at your baby”. I protested, “How can I smile when Justin is dead? How can I ever smile again?” Here I was a new mom and instead of celebrating a life I was mourning one. I started to feel guilty that I was the one with Jax and not Justin. I thought about him only having me to rock him to sleep, see his first steps, and hear his first words. Justin would miss it all and it was unfair. Many people say to me, “I hope Jax helps ease some of your suffering“. While that is true, he also adds another layer of pain. I get to see all the amazing things Jax does and learns every day, and it destroys me that Justin isn’t part of it.

Once I came out of the shock stage of grief, I awoke to my feelings. The guilt of how much Justin was missing weighed so heavy. I felt like I should be spending every moment crying and thinking of nothing other than what had happened. I kept saying to everyone, “It’s just not right. I shouldn’t be able to enjoy anything at all.” I finally realized I had taken on the responsibility of Justin’s feelings.

Justin, Axl and I pre Jax

If he’d known this was in his future (or lack thereof), he would have been insanely miserable knowing he would miss Jax’s entire life. The pain I felt for Justin was so intense that I hadn’t yet begun to process MY pain. I was too concerned with carrying Justin’s. After talking with my family and friends (numerous times) about how I was feeling, they tried to help me see a different angle. They pointed out that this is not what Justin would have wanted for me, or for Jax. He’d want us to be happy, even in his absence.

Once I decided to listen, I quickly became aware of something new. “OH MY GOD, I’M MISSING OUT ON MY BABY!” Yes, I was nursing him when he was hungry, changing his diaper when wet or soiled, and snuggling him when he wanted to be close. But I wasn’t enjoying him. The day we drove home from the hospital I had the most incredible feeling in my stomach. It was like this bright light shone through me and directly onto Jax. Before having a child of your own, other parents will try to describe this feeling. You just don’t understand it until it’s you. I was able to enjoy this feeling for not even four days before it all turned to horror and emptiness. Once I realized I was missing out on the pure joy new parents have, my guilt, once again, started to weigh on me. This time, it was a guilty feeling for Jax. I felt like the worst mother on earth that I couldn’t feel joy for my baby. Why would God do this to me? Why would he give me such a blessing and then take one away? Yes, I loved Jax with all of my heart and had I not had him during this time, I would be in a much darker place. At least I had this piece of Justin with me forever and I should be grateful for that, right? However, when you are mourning your husband of 10 years, you don’t think logically and it’s hard to get past the intense pain and nausea you feel in your gut.  

Over the next few months my guilt went back and forth between Jax and Justin. If I cried for Justin one day, then I spent the next day crying over not enjoying Jax. If I spent one day blocking out the tragedy and focusing on Jax, I spent the next day feeling guilty over not mourning Justin enough. I was in a vicious cycle and not a healthy one. I had been seeing a grief counselor for about a month when we started to work on my daily guilt. He told me I needed to allow myself ample time to cry every day and equal time to smile. Both were okay and both equally important. I started the very next day. I gave myself the mornings to feel joy and evenings to feel pain. For some reason, when I saw the sun come up it gave me hope that I could make it through another day. Quite the opposite occurred when the sun went down. I’d find myself feeling depressed that another day had passed without Justin.

Now that almost 15 months have passed, I’d like to say I don’t have any lingering guilt. But I’d be telling a lie. Sometimes the guilt finds me during the most unusual situations. It’s like driving on the interstate and being side-swiped by a semi.  You are having an okay day until it blindsides you.  The other day I was in a clothing store looking at dresses (any gal loves to shop) when I suddenly became overwhelmed. A thought popped into my head, “Why the hell do I care about wearing a pretty dress? Justin is dead and I’m concerned with finding a dress to wear? One he’ll never see me in, nonetheless?” I immediately had to leave. My mom was waiting outside with Jax. When I rushed out she asked what was wrong. I simply said,“What do you mean what’s wrong? Justin is dead, everything is wrong”. She then looked at me and said, “I know sweetheart and I’m so sorry”. What else could she say? She only has to say this to me about a hundred times a day. Later I spoke to my best friend (Kimmy) on the phone. I was going on and on about how awful of a person I was for caring about stupid things like shopping.

Jax and I on The Fourth Of July this year

She then told me, “It’s okay to want normal things. Just because you care about superficial things again, doesn’t mean you don’t love and miss Justin every second”. I thought long and hard about what she said and decided to take it to heart. Nothing I ever do will feel like it’s quite enough for Justin. He’s not here anymore, and because of that I feel the responsibility to live life for both of us and be not only Jax’s mother but also his father.

After realizing this, I am proud to say today that I have no continued guilt for smiling at my son. An innocent child like Jax is such a beautiful gift from God.  I’ve now allowed myself to feel every emotion that a mother should and can feel in every stage of his life. My guilt in other aspects of life has gotten less and less but continues to linger. I’m not sure if it will ever go away and I can accept that. Some of us have battles in life we must face on a daily basis. If the guilt I feel for smiling, laughing, shopping, and singing is one of mine, then I will face it head on. Every day I will continue to fight for that guiltless smile I once had, and one day I know I will beat it. Justin Ayers would want nothing less!!