Can you believe it?

I went for a run the other day and started making a mental list of all the things I wish I could tell you. It’s been two years since I lost you, and at times I still feel stuck in between worlds. The world I shared with you was very different than the world I now share with Jax. He’s starting to really blossom and I constantly wonder what life COULD have been like.

So, I’m writing this letter to you and for others, hoping it will help get me through the two-year anniversary of your death, the worst day of my life.

Many things have occurred since you passed and I’m constantly thinking, “I wish I could tell Justin that,” or “How could this have happened and Justin isn’t here to experience it?”

I’ll start off with something not so obvious.

IMG_3496One of your lifelong dreams has come to pass and YOU didn’t live to see it. Something we constantly wished for, prayed for, hoped for, but NEVER thought would happen has happened. In fact, if I told you I had tickets to see Guns N Roses in concert, you would probably faint. That’s right, they are back together. And even though it’s minus Izzy and Steven, it’s close enough. Can you believe it?

IMG_3492Your son is completely obsessed with pigs. Don’t ask me why or where it came from but he loves pink pigs. He got to pet one at his birthday party because we had a petting zoo. He walked around patting all the animals on the butt and then pulled a feather out of a duck. I’m pretty sure he gets this behavior from you, not me! LOL! Can you believe it?

I haven’t written a single song since you passed, but I do sing in a band with Ricky and Cody again(Fortag). We went to Alaska for three weeks and we are going back in July. Yeah, it’s IMG_3165that same place I was looking into booking us four years ago. You would love it there! Previous bands who performed at Koots put their stickers all over the stage area and two seconds before I started singing my first song I looked up and saw a Radio Daze sticker, front and center. How odd is it that! They were the first professional band you ever played with and their sticker was in eye’s view the entire time. I stared at it every night by the way. It made me feel like you were with me in some odd way. Can you believe it?

IMG_3265Your son looks like both of us. He has beautiful long locks that I’ve only cut twice and he does get called a girl all the time(That ALWAYS pissed you off). I put it in a man-bun a lot to keep the hair out of his eyes. I always loved it when you’d wear your hair in a bun. Remember when I had to help you straighten your hair and you’d fuss when I’d accidentally pull it? Well Jax fusses everytime I mess with his. Hmmmm, sound familiar?

13417481_1331338253547375_7606222705987077296_nYour amazing cousin Shelby and awesome aunt Lori are two of my “special people”. We kept in touch and stayed connected after that horrible day and they both came to Key West to watch me sing. Can you believe it?

IMG_3497Jax is so in love with your mother, I know how happy that would make you. She goes by Grammy and he lights up like a Christmas tree when she’s around. But THAT wouldn’t surprise you!!!

There are quite a few celebrities who have passed away since you. The ones that would bother you are: Robin Williams, Scott Weiland, Prince, David Bowie (AKA The Goblin King), B.B King, Wes Craven, Joan Rivers, and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Can you believe it?

I like whiskey now and Dexter is coming back, can you believe it?

My brother got married to Becca!!!! He seems so happy and they live in Tampa. Can you believe it?

Your son took off in Target today. I was in the dressing room with him, trying on a bathing suit when he quickly rolled under the door and grabbed his birthday pig I had under the buggy.IMG_3172 I wasn’t wearing anything but a bathing suit bottom so I ran out toppless, realized it, then grabbed my skirt and threw on a shirt as I chased him down the aisle. I’m sure someone had to get it on camera somewhere. So, there might be a video of me on Youtube chasing Jax half naked as he runs away barefooted in Target holding a stuffed pig. Can you believe it?

 

I could go on for days, but, for now, I love you, miss you, and you are constantly on my mind.

 

With Love,

Jess  

the singing widow blog logo

15% Off Your First Order with code: COSTUME15

A Mother’s Heart

I’ve always been a Daddy’s girl at heart. When I was sixteen, I purchased a cheesy “Daddy’s Girl” license plate to go on the front of my red Mustang. Before Justin, my dad was the apple of my eye and he has since reclaimed that title in many ways. I’ve mentioned my dad quite a few times in my blog entries. Written of his selfless acts and what an amazing male figure he’s been in mine and Jax’s life. However, the person I mention quite often only in passing, tends to hideout on the sidelines.

 

IMG_3252

Mother Daughter trip to Key West Circa 1998

She’s been a beacon of hope in the darkest times and the best gal pal in the world. She’s traveled countless miles to keep Jax for me while I performed and even sacrificed three weeks in Alaska. She’s washed my clothes, bought my groceries, rubbed my feet, and fed my dog. She even ditched her husband to sleep in bed with me (for over six months) after Justin passed. She’s one of the most selfless individuals and doesn’t even realize it. Who could this mystery woman be? Mom, who else!!!!  

 

A lot of us have great moms in this world, but I’m ready to argue that I have the greatest!! I can promise that no matter how outstanding you say your mother is, mine is more worthy!! Okay, I’ll take that back! I can only speak for myself, but I’m sure a lot of you feel this way about your moms. So why don’t I just let this entry be for all of the wonderful/selfless moms out there. They are the ones who sacrifice for us without thinking twice. This one’s for you!!

 

image1

Being crowned Homecoming Queen

My mother has always been a beauty. She was Homecoming Queen, Prom Queen, Key Club Sweetheart, and snagged just about any crown up for grabs. But by no means is any of this what makes her so special! I grew up with her accomplishments following me from the time I knew what the word “pretty” meant. My mom was freaking Marcia Brady from The Brady Bunch, and I felt inferior. As time went on, I soon realized why she won so many coveted titles and crowns. Sure, she was a tan, leggy blonde with a killer smile (who could pick a guitar and sing) but there was something else about her that ultimately set her apart from the rest. Her soul!

 

image1-2

Accompanied me to NYC for an acting/singing workshop and competition in 2001

While going through adolescence, I remember feeling a great amount of hatred for my mother. At that age, I’m quite sure this is the norm! She forced me to go to church instead of letting me go to the movies with my friends. She made me tone down my makeup and put on more clothes. She wouldn’t let me ride in the car with my older boyfriend, Justin.  She even grounded me during the MTV Spring Break extravaganza for lying to her about skipping class. WHAT A WRETCHED WINCH!!! At least, that’s what I thought at the time. Little did I know, she was just being a “good” mother. In fact, these strict guidelines helped mold me into the person I am today. If it wasn’t for her forcing me to attend church, then I would not have met Justin. I’m pretty sure he was handpicked by mom and he was always the one thing she knew she had steered me right on. “I never have to worry about you with him,” she’d say. “He’s one of the good ones.” And BOY was she right! Thanks Mom!!!

 

SCAN0154

Gamma, Me, and Momma

Being a mom myself, I now think of my own mom in a much different light. Cleaning Jax’s poop out of the tub, chasing him around all day, and rocking him for two plus hours are all in a day’s work. And even though it’s a hard day’s work, it still makes the grade of success! So what if he has smashed Cheerios in his hair and has snot seeping from his nose? He’s alive, fed, clean, and even smiling!

 

SCAN0148

Mom, Gamma, and Aunt Jo Beth

All moms have the most important job in the world and I hope to be as good at it as my mom. My mother is without a doubt the kindest person I know and would literally give her right arm to a stranger. So just imagine what she would do for her nearest and dearest. That’s pretty much what she did for over 12 months of mine and Jax’s life after we lost Justin. I didn’t have to think of anything I needed or wanted because she already had it covered. A woman of MANY MANY words had never spoken so few. I can remember the moment she rushed into my room after Justin was gone. The look of desperation on her face said it all to me. I knew from the second my mother jolted into my room that life would never be the same. My mom was looking at her little girl in the absolute worst pain of her life and there was nothing she could do to make it better.

 

Today I still can’t imagine going through life after Justin without her and I know that I am a better person with her by my side. We are a team and she makes challenges and obstacles in my life a little easier to manage. Websized (18)She gave me strength when I had none left, love when I thought it was gone, and hope for what I needed to see in my future. To call someone purely selfless is usually a false statement but I have to give it up for Sandy Hinson. Never once do I ever think she has taken a moment of her day and not thought about “other’s” needs over her’s. For that, I am proud to say she is my best friend, worst enemy, sister, mother, and idol that I will aspire to be like as long as I live.

Love you mommy!!!!

the singing widow blog logo

15% Off Your First Order with code: COSTUME15

A special kind of man

As I notice people obsessing over staying young, I think of you. “What a privilege it is to grow old,” I say to myself. How dare people complain about turning 40! YOU, never had that opportunity.

I now have a new perspective on life, and it includes loving my wrinkles. Okay, maybe not all of them, but at least the idea of what they represent. You always worried about your hair falling out. I can remember you making me examine the back of your head with a flashlight. “WHAT, it’s thin? Stop lying to me, this isn’t cool.” You couldn’t stand the thought of going bald. Your hair was part of your identity and I guess I somewhat enjoyed seeing you squirm, though it looked perfectly normal and very thick.

1383606_649543045068388_1379931178_n

Chester costume

Even though you worried about losing your hair, you still looked forward to being an “old fart” (as you famously put it). Dressing up like an “old man” for Halloween was your most reoccurring character to play, and you played it better than anyone.

During acoustic gigs we performed “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry. I remember singing the lyrics and thinking, “how morbid”. But, people loved it, and you said my voice was beautiful. Now that song comes on the radio and I view it differently. It does hold some truth, though a bitter truth. “Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’.” WOW! I now realize  that this is accurate. What sets you apart from everyone else when you die, is you’re suddenly special. You are more significant than ever before and the worst component is, you don’t even know.

mother and son

Mother and son

Father and son

Father and son

You were actually special all along. Before you died, you made a difference in so many lives and sometimes I overlooked how special you were. Sure, you made my toes curl when you plucked away on your guitar and you gave me chills every time you kissed my lips. But sometimes, I overlooked the other side of you, the teacher. I tended to view you as a ROCK GOD that taught lessons on the side. Until you were gone, I never realized the full impact you made on others through teaching.

273027_10150256009818451_4710066_o

Working at A Beat Better Music

I instantly became aware of this amazing impact, and I realized YOU didn’t even know it. You made people’s lives better through kind words and funny stories while instructing them. In the short year I worked with you at the music store, my perspective did change. I can remember getting so aggravated with you for teaching people’s kids who hadn’t paid in months. “Tell them to get lost,” I would whine. However, you always assured me that it was an outlet for them and you knew they’d pay eventually. All the while, knowing some of them would never catch up, but it made you happy bringing them joy.

60556_432084493740_1012425_nDoing things for the greater good because you knew it made a difference is the reason so many people still idolize you today. They will always remember you taking an extra ten minutes during their lesson and NEVER charging. Not complaining for them being two months behind on their lesson fees, when you had bills to pay yourself. Not only restringing their guitar, but cleaning it, tuning it, setting it up, even breaking it in for them when they only paid you for a simple restring. You were without a doubt the greatest man I knew. With today being your 35th BIRTHDAY, I honor that. I’m not going to say Happy Birthday because I don’t feel like celebrating, but I am going to say Thank You. For being a man that treated me like a goddess, treated strangers like a friend, and friends like family. IMG_3070I love you babe

15% Off Your First Order with code: COSTUME15

Take my hand, counting sheep to Never Never Land

While rocking Jax, my eyes scan the room. I notice dirty clothes on the floor I need to pick up. The baby monitor cord has fallen within arm’s reach. “He could electrocute himself if he chewed on it”, I think. Suddenly, I sense chill bumps on my arms and make a mental note to turn the AC up after I’ve moved the monitor cord. His breathing has slowed, finally dozing off. Looking down at his pure little face, I brush my cheek to his, think about our day together, and smile. I’m perplexed by the darling things he did and new words he learned, all while recognizing how rewarding it is to be his mommy

While admiring this perfect creature, my heart begins to pound. Here it comes again, the wave of reality that zaps me every night. I become aware, once again, that it’s US AGAINST THE WORLD.  Then come tears of love, pain, shock, disbelief, loneliness, sorrow, and fear. Did this really happen? WHY???

I place my little angel down and quietly exit his room. Cleaning up Jax’s mess from minutes earlier, I try to think of what I will tell him when he starts asking questions about Daddy. Is honesty really the best policy for such an innocent child? Just then, my guilt starts to eat away at me. How many times did I show him Justin’s picture today? I’m almost positive it wasn’t as many as yesterday, or maybe I forgot. Forgot??? What the hell!!! How could I forget to show him a picture of his father? Something that I vowed to do everyday after he passed.

I pour myself a glass of wine and weep. What now, I wonder. Having an 18 month old is beyond exhausting and most days I face it on my own (unless my amazing mom has pitched in). Three hours ago I would have jumped at the chance to pee, sleep, eat, think, breathe!!! But now something has shifted and I start to feel lonely. Guess I’ll just try to get some shut eye and call it a night.

I stare at my empty bed and feel sick. I can barely stand the thought of crawling into it by myself. Upon hitting the pillow, I instinctively turn to my left (where Justin slept), hug my dog Axl, and sob into his furry back. After a good cry, I feel like I can finally try to get some sleep.

The screams, sirens, bright lights, crowds, blank stares, and loud popping noises all start to surface. “Just ignore it and think of something pleasant,” I tell myself, “it will fade.” After trying to focus on anything except my internal struggle, I turn and look at the clock. It has to be really late by now, right? “WHAT??? It’s only been ten minutes! It’s gonna be a long one tonight.”

101_3078For some, getting a good night’s rest would take precedence over just about anything. A hot shower, a home-cooked meal, or even a paid vaycay in Tahiti all pale in comparison to catching some mad zzz’s. I can recall the days of sleep being a snap. When tossing and turning all night were few and far between, merely caused by the occasional stomach ache or frequent urination while pregnant. Melting into my plush covers used to be a peak moment of the day. A close second was relaxing with Justin over a glass of wine and discussing our day. But snuggling up to the one you love at the end of the night in a warm comfy bed was pretty hard to top. A dream come true, you could say, only to be followed by a blissful ten-hour slumber.

Some nights “Entering Sandman” isn’t quite so challenging. I’m not claiming my opening story is an every night occurrence, but it’s pretty realistic. Statisticbrain.com shows a whopping 70 million people suffer from insomnia and 40 million Americans suffer from chronic sleep disorder. These statistics are shocking and frankly, I’m a little frightened. To think of 70 million people on the road who’ve had little to no sleep is quite dangerous.

The CDC released a study in 2013 claiming 9 million Americans are using sleeping pills. With my diagnosis of PTSD, a psychologist could have easily prescribed me medication to (hopefully) solve my sleep struggles. But all drugs come with side effects and the heavier the drug, the larger the list. I’m funny about taking over-the-counter pain meds and it scares the hell out of me to think of what damage I could be doing to my body in an attempt to repair it. Not to mention, I am solely responsible for an eighteen month old who frequently wakes during the night. I’m terrified at the possibility of being so “zonked out” that my body might not wake at all. So, I have decided that for me personally, the risks outweigh the benefits. For the really tough nights, I’ll stick with an occasional shot of whiskey or glass of wine.

IMG_2431As for the nights I actually do sleep, I’m tormented with a contrasting struggle, NIGHTMARES.  I used to think the word nightmare only pertained to little girls in pigtails dreaming of monsters and goblins. They wake up to realize it wasn’t real and mommy comforts them with a glass of warm milk. Mommy assures them everything is just fine and snuggles her little one back to the Sandman. Unfortunately, nightmares don’t stop at age five. I now wake from a horrid nightmare with no one to comfort me. I look to warmth that is no longer there and realize that the nightmare can’t possibly be worse than my reality.

In my recurring nightmare I’m trying to warn everyone that Justin is going to die. Everyone is going about life as usual while I’m in agony. I’m screaming with such rage while everyone stares at me in disgust. “I got a text from him that it could happen at any moment and none of you care to go and help him? He’s going to die and he’s going to die alone while we all just sit here,” I shout at them. In logic, this makes no sense but that’s how dreams are. They take all logic and throw it out with the trash.

This is just one type of nightmare I have, as the others can get pretty dark. Because I was a witness to Justin’s death, I am still haunted with the horrendous tragedy and it’s managed to work it’s way into my dreams. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a real thing and I have worked very hard to overcome it. I’m grateful that it doesn’t consume me as a person anymore but it does live on in my mind.

With every sunset, I sense the sleep battle getting a little less problematic. Yes, I do have nights when I gawk at the ceiling for eight hours then wake up in a cold sweat from a chilling dream. However, I’m also starting to have restful nights as well. A few nights ago, I was able to lay down with a smile on my face, in lieu of the usual frown. I smiled knowing I had done my best to give Jax a fun and fulfilling day. I closed my eyes peacefully and didn’t pine over my mistakes or agonize over my loss. I simply put him first, made an added effort to enjoy the day along with a good night’s sleep and wake up refreshed to do it again. Sometimes this is all that stands in the way of having a good or bad day.

41050_150323771656032_150314178323658_328887_7485066_nI recently heard a quote that stuck with me, “Happiness is a choice”. I believe this with all my heart. If I thought otherwise, I might find myself a different person today. I’d be eating pills like candy, drowning myself in booze, or falling into a dark hole too steep to climb out of. But I affirm, life is way too precious to waste on such selfish acts. People who are broken have to make a choice to be happy and present. Even if being present is the expanded path, it’s by far, the rightful one. As a mother, I’m tickled that one day I will be able to comfort my child when he wakes up frightened from a nightmare. I will make sure he knows it wasn’t real and make him a glass of warm milk. I will assure him everything is just fine, snuggle him back to Sandman, and off to Never Never Land.the singing widow blog logo

 

15% Off Your First Order with code: COSTUME15

Searching For A New Hope

Guest writer: Justin Pepin

 

We honor the dead by not wasting the opportunity to live.  When I think back on my life 18 months ago, I know for a fact that I couldn’t have feasibly understood what this meant or entailed.  I was 32 and going through the motions like countless others my age.  Up to that point, I thought I had life figured out like a puzzle you seamlessly put together on a whim.  In reality, I didn’t have the first clue about life or how it worked.   

Justin, Me, and Brian Woodall in St Augustine for his 30th birthday

On June 17th, one phone call would indelibly change my life along with the way I think and view things in innumerable ways.  In order to better comprehend my thoughts and feelings, you need a little context concerning my relationship with Jessica and Justin.  I met Justin and Jessica in high school.  People always seem to be taken back by this because they automatically assume we must have grown up as childhood friends.   Have you ever met someone in your life and just know you’ve met someone that immediately gets you like you were twins separated at birth?  That’s precisely the feeling I got the first time I met Justin.  I still remember that day like it was yesterday.  I would love to say that we met in some far-flung cool and audacious setting that was steeped in revelry and raucous adolescent behavior, but alas, we did not.  We honestly met in basically the most nerdish way imaginable.  I was a freshman in high school and we got stuck taking some absurdly lame food class together.  Whenever I think back on that day, I can’t help but chuckle at the randomness of it.  There I was in my oversized basketball gear and sandals looking like a walking Nike commercial and here was a guy in a leather jacket, button up shirt, short hair, and some black Chuck Taylors.  Take a brief moment to close your eyes and picture the gloriousness that was mid-90s fashion and try not to burst out laughing from the mental image.  Being the antithesis of high school coolness and without saying a word, I immediately thought it would be an appropriate icebreaker to pull out a bag of 70s/80s original Star Wars action figures and plop them on the table.

Justin Ayers great sense of humor coming to life through his Star Wars figures in 2013

Justin had the best sense of humor. He posted this hilaious photo of his Star Wars figures having a funeral for his “Classic iPod” when it finally bit the dust

 Instead of getting unmercifully ridiculed or laughed out of the classroom (this is high school after all), Justin took one look and said, “that Darth Vader is looking rough without a lightsaber” and then proceeded to do a perfect lightsaber sound effect (one of his endless talents).  He would proceed to tell me that he had hundreds of Star Wars action figures at his house and that I should come by after school if I wanted to buy a few or just take a look.  

From that day forward, Justin always went out of this way to include me in the events of his life.  That included meeting Jessica, who from day one was far and away the most important part of his life (up until the birth of Jax).  Although Jessica is far too nice to admit it, I’m sure she probably wondered to herself why she had to put up with the likes of me on such a constant basis.  In all honesty, I don’t know why anyone bothered to put up with me back then.  I was truly a walking trainwreck during that period of my life.  I rarely share the following personal information, but I was suffering through serious anxiety, OCD, depression symptoms, and was prescribed medication as a result.   On one hand, I was obsessed and terrified about the thought of dying and on another hand, I truly didn’t care if I lived or died on most days.  I don’t really like to think back to that period of my life, but I can say without a doubt that my outlook on life was bleak, at best.  There was Justin though, always calling and stopping by announced or unannounced and in classic Justin fashion he never took no for an answer.  

I always like to the think the universe puts people in your life when you need them most.  Especially when they have no idea how profound of a difference they make.  I’ve always been blessed to have amazing people in my life and Jessica and Justin are two of the finest individuals that I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.  Through my struggles and triumphs, Justin and Jessica were always the constants in my life.  They supported me in all my endeavors and provided me with much-needed balance and levity on days I wanted to fly completely off the rails. From smoky dive bars, crazy Vegas trips, endless concerts, pop culture conventions, inebriated ghost hunting, or just normal stay at the house TV/movie nights, they always made sure to include me in their lives.

 Not because they felt obligated, but because we were all best friends and we truly looked forward to each other’s company.  On those rare occasions, Justin was too busy or didn’t feel like doing anything, Jessica and I would hang out, and vice versa.  We never missed the opportunity to partake in random, spur of the moment adventures or to make memories I will cherish for a lifetime.  No amount of fame or fortune I could attain would even come close to surpassing those moments.  

One of our fun trips to Las Vegas

One of our fun trips to Las Vegas

Even if the memories now seem bittersweet, I’d still gladly take the pain from remembering the better days over not having any to look back on.

As similar as we were in most aspects, Justin and I did share some extreme differences in the way we thought and lived life.  Even in my darkest periods, I was always a “think to the future first” kind of guy that put little focus on the present.  My thought was that if I planned everything out, I would have the time to experience certain joys of life at a later date.  I like to call it the “kick the can down the line” approach to life.  Justin had a different approach that was more a hybrid of both our philosophies.

Us at one of my epic costume parties. Where else can you find Axl Rose and Michael Jackson chillin

Us at one of my epic costume parties. Where else can you find Axl Rose and Michael Jackson chillin

 He never said it more than a few times that I can recall, but I remember his words very vividly in my mind.  “You should keep your feet planted in the present, while keeping an eye to the future.”  When Justin died, I thought a lot about that statement and realized that I had been living my life backwards as long as I could remember.  I was banking on the future so heavily, that I didn’t take time to fully appreciate or experience life to its fullest potential each and every day.  We’ve all heard the phrase, “tomorrow is promised to no man”, but have you ever taken the time to fully grasp the depth of what that means?  Before Justin died, I can honestly say that I never took time to consider the magnitude of that statement.   I just went through the daily motions of life and gave little regard to the present.  Life is finite and precious though and we don’t know how much or little we have left of it.  It’s a notion that I was sadly reminded of last week when I paid my respects at another high school friend’s funeral service who passed away after a lengthy battle with cancer.

Walker Stalker Con 2013

Over the course of the last 18 months, I’ve been inundated daily with a wide range of emotions and thoughts regarding life.  The prevailing theme being that we should adopt an approach that allows us to steal a moment away from the rigors of life and appreciate both the major and minor joys that happen daily, weekly, etc.  Jessica recently wrote about this topic and I highly suggest reading it if you haven’t or even going back and rereading it again.  After reading her entry, I was immediately reminded that we need to take the time to tell the people in our lives how much they mean to us.  How even the simplest gesture can make a profound impact in someone’s life in ways we may never be able to fully comprehend.  I know this is an extreme example, but the impact could be the difference between them choosing life or death.  I speak from experience because I’ve gone through dark periods like that before in my own life.

 I was only able to get through those periods because the people in my life stood with me on the days I took a step forward and loved and supported me twice as much on the days I went three steps back.  In fact, while editing this entry, I heard the song “Carry On” by Fun (whom Justin enjoyed listening to) and it immediately struck a chord with me that I previously never considered.  

It was an honor to a groomsman in Justin and Jessica's wedding

It was an honor to be a groomsman in Justin and Jessica’s wedding

In particular, the lyrics, “If you’re lost and alone or sinking like a stone, carry on.”  Our ability to find inner strength to carry on often comes from encouragement and love we get from people we allow to be a meaningful part of our lives.  Without that constant support, we would be like boats aimlessly adrift in the ocean of existence.

 We’re all guilty of putting things off though.  It’s just so easy to slide important stuff to the back burner, especially when everything feels like it’s moving at warp speed while you’re busy dealing with the daily grind of life.  Trust me when I say this though, you never know when that opportunity might cease to exist.  It’s truly one of life’s most unpleasant lessons.  One that often doesn’t resonate until you’ve had something precious stripped away from you.  If I would have known that the last time I’d see Justin alive was in the hospital after the birth of Jax, I would have said so many things to him.  As a result, I didn’t get to tell him a lot of things that guys are often extremely poor at communicating to one another.  I would have told him that he was an integral part in teaching me to feel comfortable stepping outside of my comfort zone, and thank him for never giving up on me even when I tried to give up on myself so many times during years earlier.

Me and my buddy Jax

Me and my buddy Jax

 Mostly, though, I would tell him that I love him and that I promise to always be there to support Jessica and Jax in any manner possible.  That no matter how arduous the journey may be at times, I vow to push forward and make the most of my time on earth.  I will honor Justin and the others I have lost by appreciating life while not wasting the opportunity to live.

While I’m sure I could have ended on that last note, it doesn’t quite feel like a Justin way of ending.  In true Justin fashion, I’ll end this by telling a brief story (another one of his endless talents).  It’s not often that things come full circle in life.  Remember earlier when I said Justin and I met because of Star Wars?  As it would turn out, the history of those figures actually makes for a pretty cool side story that connects all three of us.  With my help, Justin sold his childhood Star Wars collection to a person I dealt with regularly back in the day (if you needed further proof that I’ve always been a nerd).  If my memory serves me correctly, Justin then used the money to buy the first gift he ever bought Jessica, whom he had just recently started dating.  Although, I can’t recall my exact words, I remember saying something to the effect of, “this girl must mean the world to you and I hope this relationship works out for the long haul because you’re absolutely giving these figures away dirt cheap at this price”.  Before selling them to the buyer, he let me keep a few for my own collection for brokering the deal.  Years later, I found those figures and gifted them and what was left of my own collection back to him for Christmas.  I told him since he was an avid Star Wars fan that he should save them for when he had children of his own.  From that point on, the thought of them never crossed my mind again.  A few months back, as I was organizing Jessica’s storage shed, a container lid fell off and some of the contents spilled out.  As I hurried to clean up what had fallen out of the container, I noticed a bag with action figures in it.  It made me do a double take because I couldn’t even believe what I was seeing.  He had meticulously saved all of the figures that I had given him years ago.  It was such an unexpected shock that I immediately burst into tears at the sight of them.  It was a good cry, though, the kind that gave me a sense of comfort and hope for the future knowing that he is always with me. “A New Hope” if you will, one that reminded me of a long time ago, in what seemed like a galaxy far, far away…

15% Off Your First Order with code: COSTUME15