The One When Jessica Got Her Bachelor’s

I can’t believe this day has finally come — graduation day. Tomorrow I planned to walk the stage, to take photos in my cap and gown, and to go out to dinner with my family. I was ready to celebrate, me, and the many hoops that I had to jump through to get to this milestone in life.

It’s no surprise that today didn’t turn out how I wanted it to. But if my time on this earth has taught me anything, it’s that things don’t always go as planned, and that it’s the disappointing moments in life that ultimately make us stronger.

From 18-years-old, my path was carefully plotted out. I would marry my soul mate, become a famous singer, buy a house, have a baby (or two), and grow old with the love of my life. At 22-years-old, I chose to walk away from college. Dismissing it as something that I didn’t need in order to accomplish my goals. Ultimately, I was right. No bar, club, or restaurant ever asked for college credentials when booking my band. No bride or groom wanted to hire a singer with a Masters in Music. The music industry is simple — you need to be professional, and you need to be talented. Together, Justin and I were both of those things.

After Justin died, I swore off music life, and I vowed to never sing again. He was my partner and moving forward without him seemed unmanageable. I always loved singing, but the reason I loved it so much was because we did it together. Then, for some reason (when Jax was about a year old), I jumped back in and joined a full time traveling band. I needed to find me again, and singing was all I ever knew or loved in life. I traveled for almost three years with this extended family of mine, and I learned a lot about myself while on the road. One of the many things I learned was how much I missed my son. I hated being away from Jax, and I knew it was time for another change. 

Ultimately, I chose to leave the music industry and to go back to school full time. I wanted a do-over and to change career paths completely this time. Thanks to Florida State Panama City, I was able to change my path in my own backyard.

I can’t believe that this day has finally come. It only took: two weddings, one husband’s funeral, one pregnancy, five bands, three houses, countless hours of babysitting help, a trillion panic attacks, one cat. five hurricane, 6,570 days, and one pandemic to get me to this day.

Halle-freakin-lujah

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Forever Young

dark photo of a birthday cake with candles

Today is a day like all the others —only it's not!

The pain that I feel in my gut, it never goes away. Not even on a random Tuesday in March, or a hectic Saturday in December. It’s always there, even while enjoying a lovely dinner with family, or a fun filled day at Disney World. It doesn’t matter what day it is, it always hurts without you. There is the “everyday” that I mourn you and then there are the “other days.” The days when it hurts even more — when the hurt becomes unbearable.

A day like today — your birthday. Today is both the best and the worst, all at once

Days like today, are the best because

I have an excuse to lose myself in you, to immerse my thoughts in us, and love you even deeper than I did yesterday. Today, it’s justifiable to fall madly in love with you again. 

Days like today, are the worst because

 I have an excuse to lose myself in you. To immerse my thoughts in us, and to love you even deeper than yesterday. Today it’s justifiable to fall madly into grief with you again.

Forever 33 — that's you.

Today, I wish we were celebrating your 39th year around the sun, instead of mourning it. Today I wish I could peek around the corner, and watch as you examine your hairline for the tenth time in a row. You always feared to lose your hair, yet looked forward to being an “old fart” as you famously called it. 

Your outlook on growing old was special. Unlike most people, you embraced it. Never in a million years could you (or I) have imagined that instead of growing old, you would remain forever young. 

You will remain forever young in my heart and forever present in my mind, — I will mourn you forever!

Today, you missed your birthday for the sixth year in a row.

I love you, Justin Ayers!

photo of Justin Ayers in red bandanna
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I Looked My Husband’s Killer In The Eyes

Love What Matters Story on facing Justin's killer in the court room.

Photo of Jessica Ayers and Justin Ayers and Jessica Ayers and son

When a complete stranger fires a 9-millimeter semi-automatic handgun at your home and kills your husband, you tend to place blame. Five years ago, this happened to me. One second I was a new mom with a 3-day-old baby, the next I was a widow. About 20 minutes after the incident, I sat in a chair on my back porch (slightly drugged up) and stared blankly at the home where my husband’s killer was illegally squatting. I felt numb, angry, and in shock. As the police took him away, I held onto my baby while constantly shaking my head in disbelief. Had he done it on purpose or by accident? 

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My Husband Was Murdered and, Now I Love Deeper Than Most

Photo of Jessica, Don, and child

Five years ago, I went through a life-altering tragedy when my husband was murdered in front of me, our 3-day-old son, and three other family members.

For a long time, the trauma left me paralyzed with depression, anxiety, and fear. For an entire year, I could barely function within society and I avoided life as much as possible. After two years, I’d fallen even deeper into a bottomless pit of despair. I battled against my grief, but somehow it still managed to control me. The second my husband died, my life became a collection of instances he was missing. He missed his son’s first steps, first Christmas, and first birthday. He missed his pre-K graduation and his fifth birthday. He will miss every moment of his son’s life. There’s no way to sugar-coat this — it’s tragic and it sucks.

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A Chip Off the Old Block

A photo of Justin dressed as Old Gregg and me dressed as Pretty Woman

If you’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting my son, then I’m sure you’ve noticed his vibrant personality. The older Jax gets, he gains an intense lust for life, one that he undoubtedly inherited from his father. 

Every Kid Loves Halloween

It’s no surprise that kids love Halloween. They get to dress up as their heroes, prance around their schools, attend their church fall festivals, or walk around their neighborhoods while collecting bunches of candy. It’s the one night of the year when playing make-believe is encouraged and, it’s something that some of us never grow out of. 

Staying in Character

Every October (while in our 20’s), around the third weekend of the month, my bestie (Justin Pepin) hosted a Halloween Bash that was epic. The food was extravagant, the music was pumping, and the adult beverages were always flowing.

Every year, during this annual bash, Justin Ayers became so invested in his Halloween character that occasionally, he pissed me off. Sure he was funny, but sometimes I just needed to ask him a real-life question like: “What time do you want to head home?” or “What time is the plumber coming tomorrow?” It didn’t matter which character he was playing, his response was never really a response. 

“Ha ha ha, you’re so funny Old Gregg,” I’d sarcastically grumble. The conversation would usually end with me stomping away (while dressed like Pretty Woman, or Violet Ann Bickerstaff) to try again later.

Justin’s sense of humor was always a little off-color, but he had this way about him that made people laugh, instead of making them mad. Except for this one time. There was one year in particular when his “character” almost got him beaten to a pulp.   

Justin Ayers dressed up as Tony Clifton

Tony Clifton

Tony Clifton was the rude alter ego of Andy Kaufman. He was openly crass, outspoken, and downright hurtful to people in the audience. His shtick was to publicly humiliate people in the crowd. He called fat people pigs and told women they were worthless. He was by far one of the rudest individuals I’ve ever seen up on a stage. Justin found this hilarious and took his role of playing Tony to the next level. 

If you can just imagine this: A tipsy Justin, dressed as Tony Clifton, yelling out obscenities at random drunk party goers. It was the perfect concoction of  drunk, idiotic, and down right hilarious. I can’t think of a reason why the situation got so out of control? 

Before Justin had a chance to fire off his next one-liner, six 20-year-old dudes were holding back a pretty pissed off penguin from punching him in the face.  

Did I mention that everyone was in costumes? I think there was a hotdog, a pirate, and maybe even a Frankenstein all holding back a penguin from my character committed husband.  

This was the only time I EVER saw him break character!  

I've Got a Snake in My Boots

Mom dressed as Jessie from Toy Story and son dressed as Woody

Every Halloween since Justin died has been bittersweet. At first, it was too hard to face. But now, the older Jax gets, the more I can see his father’s personality bursting out of him.

Last year, I was beyond thrilled, to see Justin come back to life. It was no surprise that it came in form of his 4-year-old son, dressed as Woody. Jax happily pranced around, from house to house, quoting lines from Toy Story in his adorable little squeaky voice. I smiled with both joy and a little bit of sadness, knowing how proud his father was in that moment. Even if he wasn’t physically there to coach him through the night—he was there. the singing widow blog logo

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