Searching For A New Hope

Guest writer: Justin Pepin

 

We honor the dead by not wasting the opportunity to live.  When I think back on my life 18 months ago, I know for a fact that I couldn’t have feasibly understood what this meant or entailed.  I was 32 and going through the motions like countless others my age.  Up to that point, I thought I had life figured out like a puzzle you seamlessly put together on a whim.  In reality, I didn’t have the first clue about life or how it worked.   

On June 17th, one phone call would indelibly change my life along with the way I think and view things in innumerable ways.  In order to better comprehend my thoughts and feelings, you need a little context concerning my relationship with Jessica and Justin.  I met Justin and Jessica in high school.  People always seem to be taken back by this because they automatically assume we must have grown up as childhood friends.   Have you ever met someone in your life and just know you’ve met someone that immediately gets you like you were twins separated at birth?  That’s precisely the feeling I got the first time I met Justin.  I still remember that day like it was yesterday.  I would love to say that we met in some far-flung cool and audacious setting that was steeped in revelry and raucous adolescent behavior, but alas, we did not.  We honestly met in basically the most nerdish way imaginable.  I was a freshman in high school and we got stuck taking some absurdly lame food class together.  Whenever I think back on that day, I can’t help but chuckle at the randomness of it.  There I was in my oversized basketball gear and sandals looking like a walking Nike commercial and here was a guy in a leather jacket, button up shirt, short hair, and some black Chuck Taylors.  Take a brief moment to close your eyes and picture the gloriousness that was mid-90s fashion and try not to burst out laughing from the mental image.  Being the antithesis of high school coolness and without saying a word, I immediately thought it would be an appropriate icebreaker to pull out a bag of 70s/80s original Star Wars action figures and plop them on the table.

 Instead of getting unmercifully ridiculed or laughed out of the classroom (this is high school after all), Justin took one look and said, “that Darth Vader is looking rough without a lightsaber” and then proceeded to do a perfect lightsaber sound effect (one of his endless talents).  He would proceed to tell me that he had hundreds of Star Wars action figures at his house and that I should come by after school if I wanted to buy a few or just take a look.  

From that day forward, Justin always went out of this way to include me in the events of his life.  That included meeting Jessica, who from day one was far and away the most important part of his life (up until the birth of Jax).  Although Jessica is far too nice to admit it, I’m sure she probably wondered to herself why she had to put up with the likes of me on such a constant basis.  In all honesty, I don’t know why anyone bothered to put up with me back then.  I was truly a walking trainwreck during that period of my life.  I rarely share the following personal information, but I was suffering through serious anxiety, OCD, depression symptoms, and was prescribed medication as a result.   On one hand, I was obsessed and terrified about the thought of dying and on another hand, I truly didn’t care if I lived or died on most days.  I don’t really like to think back to that period of my life, but I can say without a doubt that my outlook on life was bleak, at best.  There was Justin though, always calling and stopping by announced or unannounced and in classic Justin fashion he never took no for an answer.  

I always like to the think the universe puts people in your life when you need them most.  Especially when they have no idea how profound of a difference they make.  I’ve always been blessed to have amazing people in my life and Jessica and Justin are two of the finest individuals that I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.  Through my struggles and triumphs, Justin and Jessica were always the constants in my life.  They supported me in all my endeavors and provided me with much-needed balance and levity on days I wanted to fly completely off the rails. From smoky dive bars, crazy Vegas trips, endless concerts, pop culture conventions, inebriated ghost hunting, or just normal stay at the house TV/movie nights, they always made sure to include me in their lives.

 Not because they felt obligated, but because we were all best friends and we truly looked forward to each other’s company.  On those rare occasions, Justin was too busy or didn’t feel like doing anything, Jessica and I would hang out, and vice versa.  We never missed the opportunity to partake in random, spur of the moment adventures or to make memories I will cherish for a lifetime.  No amount of fame or fortune I could attain would even come close to surpassing those moments.  

Even if the memories now seem bittersweet, I’d still gladly take the pain from remembering the better days over not having any to look back on.

As similar as we were in most aspects, Justin and I did share some extreme differences in the way we thought and lived life.  Even in my darkest periods, I was always a “think to the future first” kind of guy that put little focus on the present.  My thought was that if I planned everything out, I would have the time to experience certain joys of life at a later date.  I like to call it the “kick the can down the line” approach to life.  Justin had a different approach that was more a hybrid of both our philosophies.

 He never said it more than a few times that I can recall, but I remember his words very vividly in my mind.  “You should keep your feet planted in the present, while keeping an eye to the future.”  When Justin died, I thought a lot about that statement and realized that I had been living my life backwards as long as I could remember.  I was banking on the future so heavily, that I didn’t take time to fully appreciate or experience life to its fullest potential each and every day.  We’ve all heard the phrase, “tomorrow is promised to no man”, but have you ever taken the time to fully grasp the depth of what that means?  Before Justin died, I can honestly say that I never took time to consider the magnitude of that statement.   I just went through the daily motions of life and gave little regard to the present.  Life is finite and precious though and we don’t know how much or little we have left of it.  It’s a notion that I was sadly reminded of last week when I paid my respects at another high school friend’s funeral service who passed away after a lengthy battle with cancer.

Over the course of the last 18 months, I’ve been inundated daily with a wide range of emotions and thoughts regarding life.  The prevailing theme being that we should adopt an approach that allows us to steal a moment away from the rigors of life and appreciate both the major and minor joys that happen daily, weekly, etc.  Jessica recently wrote about this topic and I highly suggest reading it if you haven’t or even going back and rereading it again.  After reading her entry, I was immediately reminded that we need to take the time to tell the people in our lives how much they mean to us.  How even the simplest gesture can make a profound impact in someone’s life in ways we may never be able to fully comprehend.  I know this is an extreme example, but the impact could be the difference between them choosing life or death.  I speak from experience because I’ve gone through dark periods like that before in my own life.

 I was only able to get through those periods because the people in my life stood with me on the days I took a step forward and loved and supported me twice as much on the days I went three steps back.  In fact, while editing this entry, I heard the song “Carry On” by Fun (whom Justin enjoyed listening to) and it immediately struck a chord with me that I previously never considered.  

In particular, the lyrics, “If you’re lost and alone or sinking like a stone, carry on.”  Our ability to find inner strength to carry on often comes from encouragement and love we get from people we allow to be a meaningful part of our lives.  Without that constant support, we would be like boats aimlessly adrift in the ocean of existence.

 We’re all guilty of putting things off though.  It’s just so easy to slide important stuff to the back burner, especially when everything feels like it’s moving at warp speed while you’re busy dealing with the daily grind of life.  Trust me when I say this though, you never know when that opportunity might cease to exist.  It’s truly one of life’s most unpleasant lessons.  One that often doesn’t resonate until you’ve had something precious stripped away from you.  If I would have known that the last time I’d see Justin alive was in the hospital after the birth of Jax, I would have said so many things to him.  As a result, I didn’t get to tell him a lot of things that guys are often extremely poor at communicating to one another.  I would have told him that he was an integral part in teaching me to feel comfortable stepping outside of my comfort zone, and thank him for never giving up on me even when I tried to give up on myself so many times during years earlier.

 Mostly, though, I would tell him that I love him and that I promise to always be there to support Jessica and Jax in any manner possible.  That no matter how arduous the journey may be at times, I vow to push forward and make the most of my time on earth.  I will honor Justin and the others I have lost by appreciating life while not wasting the opportunity to live.

While I’m sure I could have ended on that last note, it doesn’t quite feel like a Justin way of ending.  In true Justin fashion, I’ll end this by telling a brief story (another one of his endless talents).  It’s not often that things come full circle in life.  Remember earlier when I said Justin and I met because of Star Wars?  As it would turn out, the history of those figures actually makes for a pretty cool side story that connects all three of us.  With my help, Justin sold his childhood Star Wars collection to a person I dealt with regularly back in the day (if you needed further proof that I’ve always been a nerd).  If my memory serves me correctly, Justin then used the money to buy the first gift he ever bought Jessica, whom he had just recently started dating.  Although, I can’t recall my exact words, I remember saying something to the effect of, “this girl must mean the world to you and I hope this relationship works out for the long haul because you’re absolutely giving these figures away dirt cheap at this price”.  Before selling them to the buyer, he let me keep a few for my own collection for brokering the deal.  Years later, I found those figures and gifted them and what was left of my own collection back to him for Christmas.  I told him since he was an avid Star Wars fan that he should save them for when he had children of his own.  From that point on, the thought of them never crossed my mind again.  A few months back, as I was organizing Jessica’s storage shed, a container lid fell off and some of the contents spilled out.  As I hurried to clean up what had fallen out of the container, I noticed a bag with action figures in it.  It made me do a double take because I couldn’t even believe what I was seeing.  He had meticulously saved all of the figures that I had given him years ago.  It was such an unexpected shock that I immediately burst into tears at the sight of them.  It was a good cry, though, the kind that gave me a sense of comfort and hope for the future knowing that he is always with me. “A New Hope” if you will, one that reminded me of a long time ago, in what seemed like a galaxy far, far away…