It’s no secret that my journey to motherhood has NOT been easy. Ten minutes after Jax was born, I encountered a significant complication that required the entire medical staff at Bay Med. to come to my aid. Then, three days later, a convicted felon shot and killed my husband. So in addition to joining the lovely young widows club, I lost my home, career, stability, security, and the father of my child.
Infertility feels a bit familiar.
As Don and I struggle to give Jax a sibling, it brings me back to how I felt seven years ago when sadness consumed me; when motherhood coincided with death. What does a joyful and chaotic postpartum life feel like? I’m sure I don’t know. I never got to rock my son inside of his nursery. I never got to stress over having to go back to work. I don’t understand what most new mothers go through because my husband’s death stole the thunder of my son’s birth. As soon as my relationship with Don started getting serious, we discussed having a child together. As far as I was concerned, not wanting one was a deal-breaker because I believe in the power of the sibling.
The power of the sibling
I grew up with a brother, and not only was he my playmate, but he was also my partner in crime. Sure we fought as most siblings do, but we also had each other’s back. As an adult, I still feel a connection to him. He’s the only person who remembers our Christmas mornings and crazy vacations. He’s the only person I can laugh with about the nutty dances we used to make up or terrible music we liked.
But also, in addition to wanting my son to have a sibling, I need a do-over. I want a chance to enjoy becoming a mom. I want to savor the special moments instead of surviving them.
When you think you know your body
After tying the knot, Don and I wasted no time. I told him that it shouldn’t take long. After all, I became pregnant with Jax on my first try, and this time would be no different. But, as one can glean (from my post title) — it’s been very different. It’s been hell! And now, we’re ready to enter another portal of hell, the one called IVFing hell.
By the time we implant (September), Don and I will have been trying to conceive (TTC) for three years. Except for our surprise pregnancy in November (that ended in miscarriage), I have not seen “positive” on a test since Jax was conceived. That stings! Especially when the desire to have another child is consuming my heart.
A few friends of mine have done IVF, and they were all successful. So that gives me hope, hope that we will be too. But we have no guarantee, and that’s the scariest part of all.
As we approach our first IVF cycle, here are my biggest fears:
- The needles
- The intense drugs
- The egg retrieval
- The emotional toll
- The possibility of failing
- The financial strain
- Did I say needles yet?
- The chance of another miscarriage
When I miscarried in January, Don and I were devastated. We felt like we’d been tricked. After two years of trying to conceive, we finally saw “positive,” and we were in disbelief. Then, two months later, it was all over.
But as we approach our first IVF cycle, here are my hopes:
- We’ll get 5-8 healthy embryos from our first retrieval
- I’ll get pregnant on the first try
- We’ll have a successful pregnancy
- We’ll finally have our baby
I’m sure some couples (who have gone through IVF might read my hopes and think, “yeah, right, she’s living in a fantasy world.” But if I’ve learned anything from Justin’s death, it’s taught me that you never know where life will take you. In one second you can change from wife to widow. Now, as I begin sticking my body with long needles and injecting massive amounts of hormones, I will remind myself that it is possible to transition from a life of infertility to a family of 4 in just one second.
Follow along for more updates as we pray for our rainbow baby.
