After Justin died, I went to grief counseling, where I was taught the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
My counselor told me that it might take some time, but the ultimate goal was to make it to the acceptance stage. He said once I got there, I could create a living memorial for Justin. He told me that while the goal is to make it to acceptance, it’s possible to get stuck in one of the other phases forever. He said that if I didn’t do the work, that could happen to me.
Stage two: Anger
I remember sitting on his poofy leather sofa while he tried to prepare me for how I would and should feel. The room was cold, and there was a picture of the ocean framed on the wall. His words were supposed to bring me hope; I was paying him to provide that for me, to give me all the answers.
But my pain consumed me. This man didn’t lose the love of his life. What the hell does he know about grief? He’s making money off of my distress; how dare he! The longer I sat and listened, the more furious I became.
Then he asked me something: “How are you feeling right now?” He said.
“Honestly? I’m a little pissed off,” I responded.
“Anger,” he said back.
I couldn’t believe it; he was right. I was angry at my husband for dying and the man who killed him for destroying my life. I was mad at my baby for waking me up at 4 a.m. and my mom for asking me if I would get out of bed that day. It didn’t matter what situation was put before me; it made me mad.
Getting stuck in your grief
As it turned out, my counselor knew what he was talking about. It was a while before I pulled myself from the anger phase, but eventually, I did. And once I did, it felt good to let go of the hate.
While learning about grief, my counselor also told me that, even though you might move into the acceptance stage, you will have moments when you revisit the other stages.
After seven years, I still get angry (anger) and depressed (depression) sometimes. I still find myself shaking my head, wondering — how did this happen (bargaining). I still get knots in my stomach when I realize I’ll never speak to Justin again (denial).
Acceptance means never fully accepting it
Even though I revisit these stages of grief, I am not stuck in them. This is something that I wish people understood about grief. Just because you have a bad moment, day, or week, it doesn’t mean you’re stuck in your grief. It doesn’t mean that you’re living an unhealthy life of sadness and depression. It doesn’t mean that you are so distraught that you need to be in daily counseling. It means you are human and that you will never fully accept that your loved one is gone because it’s too damn hard.
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