grief

Was it all for nothing?

The day after Justin died, I felt like the past ten years of my life were for all for nothing. I was angry that I’d invested so much energy into my marriage, and just like that, it disappeared.

Everything was a waste: every kiss we shared, every gift we exchanged, every vacation we went on, every song we wrote, and every single memory we created was all for nothing.

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I didn’t understand why God would give me ten years to build a marriage, prepare for motherhood, grant me a child, and then take away my husband. It was like I’d been given the worst backhanded compliment in history.

For a very long time, I locked away my past. I told myself it was best if I just turned my back on my memories. All they did was make me sad.

 

When happy memories turn to sad

When you lose your greatest love, it turns all of your happy moments sad. I never thought I’d find any shred of happiness again or any content in this terrible life I was now living. 

But as time moved forward, so did I. And slowly but surely, I started letting the bits and pieces of my splintered life back in. I decided that I could either let those years be for nothing or make them stand for something. Something more extensive than a typical marriage. Something bigger than I could have ever envisioned.

Instead of viewing my life as a loss, I began viewing it as a gift. Justin was the unlucky one in our partnership. He only lived 33 years, and it pains me as I type those words now. It distresses me when I think of his smile, laughs, and swagger. I’ll never experience his magnificent presence on this earth again, and no words can describe how crappy that feels.

 

Living his legacy

But unlike him, I was not gone, and I still had so much living to do. To shackle myself to his grave would solve nothing and I owed him more than my pain.

I owed him and our son our memories.

If you feel like your life was a waste or just thrown out like yesterday’s trash, your feelings are justified. It’s natural to feel this way when we’ve lost the one thing in life we were sure of — love.

 



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But, I also want you to know that your love and your relationship were there for a reason. They gave you love and happiness during a specific time in life. Even though that time doesn’t seem like enough, unfortunately, for you, it will have to be.

We all have to find our purpose in the loss. I will never justify mine. I will never say, “it was meant to be, or I’m happy with Don now, so it was all okay.” NOPE, you will never hear me speak those words.

Finding happiness again is possible, even if it means never finding love again. I had to find joy in myself before finding Don. I had to appreciate my journey and realize that mine is just a little bumpier than some. 

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Feeling Stuck in Your Grief

After Justin died, I went to grief counseling, where I was taught the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

My counselor told me that it might take some time, but the ultimate goal was to make it to the acceptance stage. He said once I got there, I could create a living memorial for Justin. He told me that while the goal is to make it to acceptance, it’s possible to get stuck in one of the other phases forever. He said that if I didn’t do the work, that could happen to me.



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Stage two: Anger

I remember sitting on his poofy leather sofa while he tried to prepare me for how I would and should feel. The room was cold, and there was a picture of the ocean framed on the wall. His words were supposed to bring me hope; I was paying him to provide that for me, to give me all the answers.

But my pain consumed me. This man didn’t lose the love of his life. What the hell does he know about grief? He’s making money off of my distress; how dare he! The longer I sat and listened, the more furious I became.

Then he asked me something: “How are you feeling right now?” He said.

“Honestly? I’m a little pissed off,” I responded.

“Anger,” he said back.

I couldn’t believe it; he was right. I was angry at my husband for dying and the man who killed him for destroying my life. I was mad at my baby for waking me up at 4 a.m. and my mom for asking me if I would get out of bed that day. It didn’t matter what situation was put before me; it made me mad.

Getting stuck in your grief

As it turned out, my counselor knew what he was talking about. It was a while before I pulled myself from the anger phase, but eventually, I did. And once I did, it felt good to let go of the hate.

While learning about grief, my counselor also told me that, even though you might move into the acceptance stage, you will have moments when you revisit the other stages.

After seven years, I still get angry (anger) and depressed (depression) sometimes. I still find myself shaking my head, wondering — how did this happen (bargaining). I still get knots in my stomach when I realize I’ll never speak to Justin again (denial).

Acceptance means never fully accepting it

Even though I revisit these stages of grief, I am not stuck in them. This is something that I wish people understood about grief. Just because you have a bad moment, day, or week, it doesn’t mean you’re stuck in your grief. It doesn’t mean that you’re living an unhealthy life of sadness and depression. It doesn’t mean that you are so distraught that you need to be in daily counseling. It means you are human and that you will never fully accept that your loved one is gone because it’s too damn hard.

 

What is grief, if not love persevering?

Has anyone seen WandaVision on Disney Plus? 

If you haven’t witnessed this masterpiece yet, it’s time to get your binge on. I don’t usually promote shows or movies on my blog, but this one has a special place in my heart.

First of all, it’s unique, one of the most unique shows I’ve ever watched and that says a lot these days. But primarily I think I love it so much because the show speaks to me on a personal level. 

Not the superhero stuff, I wish I could fly and move things with my mind. I wish I could control others and hear what they are thinking. But then again, maybe that last power would be stepping into dangerous territory.

Instead, I see myself in the main character, Wanda; I see a reflection of my heart in hers. Without giving away any spoilers (because I hate when people do that), I will give away one tiny detail.

Of course, the show contains superheroes, touches on comedy, and even love. But at its core, it’s about something much deeper, something we all have to face one day — something that I know all too well.

It’s about Grief. 

Understanding grief like a robot.

In case you haven’t seen the million different Marvel movies, Wanda Maximoff (portrayed by Elizabeth Olsen) loses someone very close to her in Avengers: Age of Ultron. In the movie, we don’t see much of her grief but in WandaVision (the Disney Plus show) it’s revealed. 

In the show, we jump back to a scene that’s meant to be an extension from the second Avengers movie. From what I gather, the scene takes place not long after Wanda’s loved one died, maybe a day or two later. 

The line: “What is grief if not love persevering?” is repeated by Vision (a robot) to Wanda. Not only is Vision a robot, but at the time, he was a baby of sorts — brought to life the day before. I know it all sounds weird but stay with me here. 

Because he’s so green, Vision is in the process of learning how to be human. He doesn’t understand grief or love. But he’s kind, and he’s trying to comfort Wanda and understand human emotions.

 So he says what he is thinking: “What is grief if not love persevering?” 

What makes his statement so profound is that in trying to understand grief, he somehow taps into its basic property, one that humans have a hard time grasping. 

Are we all programmed differently?

For the past 3 years, off and on, I’ve been writing my book. So far I’ve written close to 12 chapters. That’s not a crazy amount of writing, but to me, it felt like writing 30 because each chapter took an emotional toll.

While becoming an author, I’ve discovered something. I realized why, for so long, I felt stuck in my grief, addicted to it. 

I felt sad when I was sad, and I felt sad when I was happy. For a while, I had a hard time moving forward from it. Moving forward felt like moving on. It felt like losing my love for Justin, breaking up with him, putting his photo into a drawer, or changing my last name.

I was afraid of falling out of love with him. 

WandaVision understands this predicament.

Besides villains and superheroes, the show is about holding on to grief and what happens when we do. It’s also about holding on to that love we have for someone, even after they are gone.

We love them so much that our pain could move mountains. Or in Wanda’s case, re-create a TV show from the 1950s (Seriously consider watching it if you haven’t yet). 

I know this feeling; I know it daily. Sometimes, I feel stuck in the past. Other times, I feel stuck in the present. A lot of days, I’m a little scared of the future. I feel it all!

But one thing I don’t feel is regret.

I don’t feel any regret because I know that all of these feelings are normal; they are wrong, and they are right. Because there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We have no path that leads to ultimate happiness.

We have to choose that for ourselves. Despite our pain, we have to choose to move forward with grief instead of getting stuck in its web.  

Our grief will never go away. It will always be there knocking us down. It will always be a barrier. And strangely enough, it’s a hug from our loved one saying, “I’m still here in your heart. Thank you for continuing to love me.”

It will always be a Vision of a love we used to know and one we will never forget. 

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